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Original Airing date: 2025.12.15
It’s Christmas time in Evenfall Hollow, and I’m hosting a holiday get together for my circle of friends and neighbors. We’ll have visits from the Mayor, The Bonecruncher and his wife Cheryl, and even Muffin’s Icelandic cousin Jeff.
Show Notes
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Main Bed Music:
“Relaxing Jazz Podcast Coffee Shop Music” by Denis Pavlov
The Bonecruncher Christmas Recital:
“Le Cygne – Camille Saint-Saens” by Julius H
A Very Gary Xmas Episode Transcript
[Introduction segment begins. “Relaxing Jazz Podcast Coffee Shop Music” plays.]
Gather around Listeners, for today, we have a very special episode to share with you all. Today is Christmas eve, and I’m hosting a big holiday party for close friends and neighbors here at che’ Liota.
Here with us now, or very soon, are a lot of familiar names and faces, as well as a couple of new ones. We of course have my PA, great friend, and confidant Paul, and of course our office Cat Muffin, but also Helen Akkerman, who will be bringing us a special holiday treat, and Susan Parquet who has generously offered to make us all handmade ugly sweaters. But of course, that’s not all.
The mayor will be here, as will Gary, and the Bonecruncher along with his wife Cheryl, Rosa and Corin from the Evenfall Hollow orphanage, and Muffin’s cousin from Iceland. His name is Jolly kat tournament. Uhh… Hola kat urine? You know what? Jeff is fine. Jeff will be here. Oh, and Pastor Glanville is coming as well. We don’t want things to be too fun, now do we?
It’s just a joke Pastor. But actually, why are you here already? Did the Arby’s close for Christmas eve? Oh, they did… Well, I’m sorry. Yeah, no go ahead. I think there is a Lunchable in the fridge, help yourself.
So anyhow, I’m going to get back to party prep, I…
[Chiptune phone ring tone plays as bed music pauses]
Hey uh Pastor, can you get that? No, there is no ear piece. It’s not wired to the wall, its right there on the counter. No, you just slide the picture towards the green. You know what? Never mind, I’ll get it. Enjoy your Lunchable.
[Bed music fades in as ring tone ends]
A hoy hoy? Oh, hey Gary. Uhhuh. Yeah? Well, I mean that’s kind of what he does.
Wait… He what!? I… I mean… Okay, so there weren’t any witnesses? Well, then if you give me 5 minutes, we can just… You’re going to do what? Because the business card says so? What business card? No, okay, Okay Gary. We’ll be here, when you finish. Just you know, get here whenever you can. Okay, thanks for letting us know. Okay, see you soon.
So… Huh. Where do I even start? So, you know how NORAD tracks Santa as he makes his trip around the world delivering gifts? Well, he was being tracked over Evenfall Hollow, and… Well, Brandon of Brandon’s Fuel and small engine just shot him down with a rifle.
Gary was on his way here when he saw the sleigh crash into the Applebee’s. He tried to resuscitate, but he couldn’t get a pulse. So, I’m sorry listeners, but it appears that Santa Claus is… Well, he’s dead. But there is good news.
For one, we no longer have an Applebee’s. And two? Well, when Gary was looking for identification, he found a small business card that said on the back something to the gist of “If something should happen to me, put on my suit. The Reindeer will know what to do.” So, Gary put on the suit, and I guess now he’s Santa? Or Tim Allen? Whatever, I have party stuff to attend to.
Oh, hold on, hold on. I hear the doorbell. Pastor, uh, can you get that?
[sigh]
Never mind, I’ll get it. Go ahead and finish your light bologna and American.
Hello! Oh! You must be Jalapeno tunic, err Jeff… Err Muffin it’s for you! Come on in. Oh, phew, you’re a big kitty aren’t you.
So, Listeners, that was Jeff. He’s a big, fluffy 12-foot-tall cat. But as a courtesy, he seems to have brought us a gift in the form of a… Is this a Harpy Eagle? Well, thank you, Jeff. We’ll… we’ll put it in the bathtub for now, I guess?
Oh, and here’s Helen and Susan. Hello! Yeah, just set the sweaters on the bed and we’ll pass them out once everyone gets here. Yeah, just there on the kitchen counter Helen.
[sniffs]
Did you make authentic German Pfeffernusse? Oh, I can’t wait. And Shortbread cookies? AND a Rum and spice cake? Wow, thank you Helen!
Oh, and here’s Paul and his date. Hello Shiela, I love your hair! Oh? And what’s this? A cheeseball? Ooh! Just let me find some crackers, so I can take this for a spin.
[unwrapping crackers, noisily crunching]
Oh Shiela… Phew. Pace yourself Phil.
Well at this point I think we’re just waiting for the Mayor, Rosa and Corin, and Gary? [sounds of crashing] Hey! Watch out with that.
[sigh]
So apparently Jeff really likes the Pastor. It started with a headbutt or two as cats tend to do, but since Jeff is 12ft tall, that headbutt knocked the Pastor right out of his chair, and then Jeff ate the cookie in the Pastor’s Lunchable. So now the Pastor is spraying Jeff with a water bottle every time he gets near, and Jeff just isn’t getting the message. This is gonna end well, I’m sure.
[Knock on door]
Uh oh. I hear another knock. Oh, Mayor Brimley! Oh, and Corin and Rosa as well. No come right in, you’re not late at all. That’s right Rosa, that is Muffin’s cousin Jeff. And she’s gone.
Well, come on in Corin. Oh, thank you mayor. What is this? You brought oats? Thanks…? Wait. This smells kinda like whiskey. Oh, so it’s a whiskey made from your own recipe that uses oats? You’re going to see if there is a market for it huh? Of course you are. Yep, just in the kitchen is fine.
[Knocking on the door]
Oh Cheryl! You both made it. Yeah, come on in. You’re looking really good Bonecruncher. No, it’s not flattery. You look… Uh… Happy. No, it’s a great look on you, come on in.
Okay, so now that everyone is here, save for Gary, I thought we’d start out with a little toast, and a story about why we’re all here tonight.
So, we have some mulled wine, some Egg Nog, and the mayor’s alcoholic oatmeal, so everyone grab a drink, and Susan will hand out her beautiful sweaters, and then we’ll get started.
[clears throat]
So tonight is Christmas Eve. A night where everyone can come together and… Pastor, please don’t interrupt. It’s not about Jesus Pastor. I mean it can be for you, if that’s what you want, but it should be noted that Jesus wasn’t mentioned until the 4th century CE, when Pope Julius declared the 25th of December as Jesus’ birthday.
It was an appropriation of several far older Pagan holidays such as the Norse Yule, the Roman Saturnalia, and more.
No Pastor, the puritans actively protested against Christmas, with its connections to appropriated pagan holidays and decadent Christmas celebrations cited as well, one of several reasons they moved to America. No, it didn’t even become an official federal holiday until 1870 Pastor.
Yeah.
So, In Rome, the Saturnalia festival was a celebration of the winter solstice. Yes, it was Pastor. It was giving thanks to Saturn, the Roman god of Agriculture. It ran from December 17-24th, and then the 25th was known as Brumalia where even Roman slaves didn’t have to work, and everyone wore colorful clothes, just like those wonderful sweaters Susan made for us.
There was also the Phrygian cap which looks a lot like a modern santa hat. But on a less jovial note, there was also an election of a random citizen who would become the Lord of Misrule. While it is suspected that they were sacrificed at the end of the month to Saturn, they really get to party their last month out.
So the Romans also has the Dies Natalis Solis Invicti celebration, or the birth of the unconquerable sun, which celebrated the Zoroastrian sun god Mithra. It was celebrated on the 25th by upper class, male romans.
And even before all that, there was Yule. Yep, Jeff knows what I’m talking about. It was a Norse holiday that lasted for 12 days. As part of the celebrations, there was a Yule tree, a yule log, and a yule ham, and at the end, Odin would bring gifts for children on his eight-legged horse Sleipnir.
And then of course there was also the birthday of the Greek god Dionysus, the Greek god of wine. And in Finland, the sun goddess Beiwe is also celebrated. She is said to ride a sleigh made of reindeer bones, pulled by a white reindeer.
My point is, that Christmas is a giant mash-up of cultures and ancient religions from across time and around the globe. At its core however, it was and is, a very human holiday, intended to surround oneself with the warmth of friends and loved ones to combat the cold and darkness of winter.
And that is how I choose to celebrate this holiday. By surrounding myself with the warmth and light of loved ones, just like all of you.
And now, without further ado, I present to you the Bonecruncher and his interpretive Christmas dance. I’ll do my best to describe everything for you listeners, because it’s truly something everyone should experience.
[ Le Cygne – Camille Saint-Saens begins to play.]
[Phil narrates the dance in a whisper]
So, the Bonecruncher is slowly raising his hands to the sky, and as he lowers them, so too does he lower his whole body, until he is flush with the floor. He is bundling himself up against the cold, and moving to a hunched, sitting position. There is a bit of jazz hands which I think is supposed to symbolize the falling slow, and now he is rising slowly into what looks like the yoga pose of tree.
And from that tree pose, he has clasped his hands in a heart shape upon his chest, before extending his arms out and doing what is quite frankly, the most delicate pirouette I have ever seen.
Seriously listeners, it’s like he’s not even touching the floor. Just spinning, first quickly, and then slower and slower. I think he is now doing a plie and slowly falling back to the ground to symbolize being chopped down, I think?
Oh? Cheryl is joining in. The Bonecruncher has risen to his feet with Cheryl held aloft above his head. He is spinning once more and as he continues to spin, he has slowly lowered Cheryl until they stop in a tight embrace, and then they both slowly fall to the ground, fast asleep after a busy day, Just like Jeff there in the Pastor’s lap.
[The room claps for the performance]
[Relaxing Jazz Podcast Coffee Shop Music fades back in.]
I have to say listeners, it was a hard path for the Bonecruncher to find his happiness, but after watching that original piece, I think it’s safe to say that he is finally there. No, I’m not crying Paul. You’re crying.
Oh! Did everyone hear that? I think it’s Gary!
Wait. I don’t have a fireplace. Should I open a window? Or… Oh Gary!
Wait, how did you get in? You don’t want to talk about it. Well, that’s fine. We’re just happy to have you. And umm… So, I don’t want to put you on the spot or anything… But well… You look like you’ve gained a good 80 pounds since this afternoon. Is it the Santa thing? Well, there is food over there and… Wait a minute. Gary, did you bring us presents? No that’s fine. I’ll hand them out, you go get yourself a snack and relax.
Okay, let’s see here. First up in Paul. Here you go. Careful, it’s hefty.
[ripping paper]
Oh! Nice catch Paul! Listeners, it looks like Paul got an autographed copy of Marc Summer’s autobiography. Yeah, Paul is a huge Unwrapped and Double Dare fan. Did you know he actually got to compete on an episode of… Oh Gary is giving me the motion with a Pfeffernusse to move it along. It’s like presenting the Oscars in here.
Okay, so next gift here is for Helen.
[Grunt of exertion] Ooh. Another hefty boy.
[ripping paper]
Is that a full set of Le Creuset Bake ware? In a limited-edition Rainbow enamel? It’s so pretty it’s making the Pastor uncomfortable. Or is it just because I caught you stroking Jeff’s fur while he sleeps?
So the next one is… Oh it’s for Muffin. Hmm it’s not a very big box, and it only weighs maybe an ounce or two, but phew it just reeks of Lemon rind and skunk. Hey Muffin, what’s in the box?
[Muffin spits and hisses and attacks Phil]
what’s in the box?
Oww, did you just scratch me? Fine, take your package. Geez. And as for the rest of you, not one of you recognized my Brad Pitt impression. I’m disappointed in you all. Yeah Paul, it’s from a movie called Seven. Oh, I don’t remember, I think it was full of Christmas ornaments or something? It’s been a while.
Uh, your turn Pastor. Here you go. Do you need help opening it?
[Ripping Paper]
No?Oh it’s a dancing pickle. Yeah, you press the button and he dances around and sings the pickle song. Wait, are you okay Pastor? Are you crying? Oh, Just allergic to Jeff and Muffin? Okay… Wait where is Muffin? Well, whatever, we all hope you enjoy it, Pastor.
This one is for Jal… It’s for Jeff. Do you need some help opening?
[Paper ripping]
Oh, it’s a Hungry Man Dinner. We know the lore of the Yule Cat, in that he eats children who don’t wear at least one new piece of clothing. So, we got you a Hungry Man. It’s made by Con-Agra in Arkansas, and courtesy of their ridiculous child labor laws, it contains the FDA Maximum of 6% children by weight. See Pastor? It’s called compromise. So uh, let’s just finish up the gifts and I’ll microwave it for you.
I’m next? I mean, okay. Let’s see here. It’s…
[Paper ripping] Oh. Another copy of your book Mayor. Thanks… I’m almost done with the roof, so this will help.
Corin is up. Here you go.
[paper ripping]
Huh, looks like 12 concurrent Wine of the month memberships. No, there is zero need to explain Corin. You run an orphanage by yourself. We get it.
We didn’t forget you, Rosa. Here you go. It’s an empty refrigerator box; it’ll give you something to do besides trying to trap Jeff. She says it’s the greatest gift ever, and she wants the same thing next year.
Oh, Susan. Here is your gift. Hey Can I have a little help here?
[Sound of crate dragging]
And there you go. Let me just get a crowbar for the crate and…
[Wood crunching]
There you are Susan. Your own fully functional suit of Medieval Armor! What are you going to do with armor? Well, umm… Why not just try wearing it a bit when you go out? I think it’ll bring out your eyes nicely. Yeah….
And Gary, this one is for you. No, it’s okay, finish chewing.
[paper ripping]
Huh. Well, that’s nice, I didn’t think Santa got anything on Christmas. What is it? A year-long prescription for Ozempic? No that’s great Gary. Tim Allen just has to live with diabetes and high blood-pressure during the non-winter months.
No, I agree, the medical industry has made some real advances. Now if only you didn’t have to sell your house and all of your worldly possessions or kill Santa to get access to life-critical medication. Am I right? Oh, hold on, you’ve got a bit of rum cake on your chin. Speaking of, where did all the desserts go? Don’t just shrug at me Gary.
So, Cheryl and the Bonecruncher have a combined gift it looks like. Cheryl and the Bonecruncher have received matching Rainbow unitards. Am I sensing a dancing with the stars style duo act? I can’t wait.
Uh, this next one is for the mayor. Looks like a gift card or something? It’s from Loch Lomond Distillery. Did you get a whiskey of the month membership or something? No? They’re buying your oat whiskey recipe? Well, that’s great mayor. How much did you get for it?
THEY GAVE YOU HOW MUCH!?
I… I think I’m going to go lay down. Merry Christmas everyone.
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A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu Mckinney.