Original Airing date:2026.10.15
As the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism broadcasts their first show from the Chât, Marty, The Hotdog Man, and Abracadaniel stage a press conference at a landscaping store in order to publicly smear Phil’s good name. Also, the Ikea incident.
Local Sponsor support provided by: None this week.
Show Notes
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music
Introduction (00:00)
“Laundromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow (01:47)
“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Local Community Spotlight A (04:57)
“Jazz Bossa Nova Cooking Show Music” by Denis Pavlov
“Hollow Bass Minimal Deep Tech” by 9jackjack8
“Spanish Flamenco” by Studio Kolomna
“Silly Humor Comic Background Music” by MFCC
Local Community Spotlight B (10:14)
“Jazz Bossa Nova Cooking Show Music” by Denis Pavlov
“Hollow Bass Minimal Deep Tech” by 9jackjack8
Local Community Spotlight C (11:34)
“Jazz Bossa Nova Cooking Show Music” by Denis Pavlov
“Hollow Bass Minimal Deep Tech” by 9jackjack8
Kompromat Episode Transcript
[Introduction segment begins. “Laudromat Lofi Chill” plays.”]
Hello Listeners and welcome to another wonderful episode from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism. I’m your host Phil Liota and I’m here with my PA Paul and our office cat Muffin, and if you’re new to our show, our job is to highlight all of the wonderful reasons you should come visit our town.
Now, if you are a veteran listener, then you will understand my excitement when I say… Are you ready with the sparklers Paul?
We’re broadcasting from the Chat!
What’s wrong Paul? You don’t look as happy as someone who has sparklers, a festive party hat, and launch waffles should look.
Is it the waffles? Okay, look, I know it was incredibly dirty in here when we first moved in. I mean, the microwave had bacteria that had grown resistant to microwave radiation. The bathroom had alcohol and antiobiotic resistant bacteria. And yes, they probably mated in the breakfast nook to create a new bacteria that’s resistant to everything but a wooden stake… But I have thoroughly cleaned everything from the top down at least twice. And if by some chance I missed something, well, I brought extra wooden stakes, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Fine, fine.
Umm, Muffin do you want his launch waffle?
Do you see Paul? Muffin has zero qualms about it. Now I know I don’t ever say this, but you need to be more like muffin.
So any how, with our introductions out of the way, and the waffle situation resolved, why not go and see what’s happening in the Hollow?
[Happening in the Hollow Segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” plays.]
Happening in the hollow today, umm… I’m not honestly, really sure. You see I’ve been pretty much cleaning non-stop with random documentaries playing in the background so I think I might be a little bit out of the loop.
Hey Paul, on that note, did you know that Britain experimented with nuclear mines in the 50’s? Yeah, as in nuclear warheads, but used as landmines. It’s bananas.
You see they used a nuclear mine design that was very vulnerable to freezing, and naturally, they buried them in an area that regularly freezes. So the British government had to come up with a way to keep them from freezing, or else you know, they wouldn’t work, and do you know what they came up with? They kept live chickens inside the structure that housed the mine, and their body heat was enough to keep them operational. I think the whole project was called Churchill’s chicken.
So anyways, I was having a craving for chicken after watching that and I ran into Marty on the way to Popeyes and… He was nice? I dunno. Maybe he realized that he no longer has control over us, and he’s regretting his choices?
Either way, he offered to take me out and bury the Hatchet, and I think I said yes?
Honestly, I’m not sure what happened after that, but I woke up the next morning with a corner piece of a Walmart birthday cake, a cardboard birthday hat with polka dots on it, and I’m missing my right shoe.
So how was your weekend Paul?
What? Why the face again?
No… I don’t remember anything. Why?
uh huh… umm… hmmm.
Listeners, Paul has just notified me about some unsavory press releases about me, so I’m just gonna read these really quick and uh…
Umm… Listeners, I am completely blindsided. So apparently Marty, the Hotdog Man, and Abracadaniel have formed some sort of a media company since we left after you know, the whole Doug debacle, and have subsequently published an absolutely obscene amount of compromising photos and articles about me.
But I don’t remember any of this, and honestly, none of this sounds like things I would do.
Is that why you’ve been so upset today Paul? Well I appreciate your concern. Thank you. You’re fam.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ask Brandon for a shotgun, and go have a talk with Marty…
No I don’t think it’s an overreaction! Did you see this picture!? And this also explains why Regina Levinson was blowing up my phone so much that I had to turn it off!
Well listeners, we had other plans for our Community Spotlight today, but it seems a review of the seasonal Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity flavors is gonna have to wait.
Come on Paul and Muffin. Let’s go… Wait where is Muffin this time?
Well whatever. Paul let’s do this.
[Local Community Spotlight segment begins. “Jazz Bossa Nova Cooking Show Music” plays.]
[Knocking on door]
Marty! I know you’re in there. I want to talk to you about these so called news articles you’ve written.
For one, I absolutely did not make a fool out of myself at a strip club. And also, I don’t really drink all that much, and I can say for certain that I cannot afford a bottle of Cristal, especially not for use in a solo personal wet t-shirt contest in the middle of the Krogar frozen breakfast aisle!
In addition, most of this so called proof is just movie stills from Goodfellas and Operation Dumbo Drop. Another case of “Better Phil” haunting you from the grave, huh Marty!?
[Knocks on door again]
I can see your shadow under the door!
Listeners, a note card has appeared from under the door that says “No you can’t, the earth is flat.”
You’re not going to distract me that easily Marty. Open the door and explain this.
Another note card has appeared that simply says “Climate change is a hoax”
That’s it, I’m breaking down the door.
[door opens]
Marty, I… Gah! What are you wearing!? Or not wearing!?
No, No! Stop writing your next card and put on a robe or something.
And no, you were not in the shower! Your hair isn’t even wet! And besides, you’ve been sliding inflammatory note cards under the door for the last five minutes!
Your account was not hacked! Its a front door. Now explain all this.
Yes, I am aware its a newspaper. I’m talking about all of these stories about me.
Here, Ill help. This Cristal in the Krogar story for example is 100% fabricated. I mean, you know what I get paid. Yeah, not anywhere near enough for a button up shirt Marty, Let alone Cristal!
I was once escorted out of a liquor store when I couldn’t cover a bottle of Martinelli’s!
And also, you see that six-pack on the guy in the picture? Have you heard how I talk about sandwiches?
But its these social media stories that really irk me Marty. I mean where do I start? An X account? Really? And I used it to slide into the Dms of the Wendy’s account?
Anybody that knows me knows that Wendy’s has been dead to me since they tried to dynamically price a Baconator. I may have been slightly tempted by one of those Minions Banana Frostys, but certainly not enough to do even half of what my DM supposedly propositioned, and definitely not enough to accept a $5.00 pity coupon as consolation. That’s like what? My pride in exchange for a Baconator bun and a small drink? I refuse!
On that note listeners, in the name of full transparency, there may also be a story about me and IKEA floating around that unfortunately, is actually true.
I apologize, but there was absolutely no signage to indicate there was a limit to how many plates of swedish meatballs and princess cakes I could purchase per business day.
Yes, I may have become a bit angry, but to be fair, there was no need to have the police do a welfare check on me. I just really like those meatballs and that lingonberry drink, and I don’t get to have them often, so I mean a simple sign would save a lot of people a lot of trouble.
I’m sure I’m not the first Paul.
But this other story Marty. This one really bugs me. The last thing I remember is you wanted to bury the hatchet, and now there is a story about a strip club. What did you do?!
Listeners, Marty is handing me an Ipad. Okay… I… Wait…
[Club music plays in the background]
What the…
Listeners, a video is playing, and from what I can see, the video is indeed about me and all of the various things I apparently did at a strip club.
Okay. Okay. Wait. Since when does the Hollow have a strip club?
Hold on, I can see a sign on the interior of the club and it says… Western Sizzlin?
You owe me a coke Paul. I told you that place wasn’t staying in business due to their buffet, and it also explains why there are so many 90’s corvettes in the parking lot all the time.
But either way I…. Huh… I don’t remember any of this. I… This isn’t actually me, is it?
Marty is now crossing his arms and shaking his head judgingly, but I should point out that he still has not put on any clothing.
[Club music ends. Bossa Nova music starts again]
I… Here is your i-pad back Marty. No just grab it. I don’t want to look.
Ugh. I don’t remember or understand any of this, but you appear to have the moral high ground Marty, and that means that I… Well… I…
Paul can we go to a commercial? We don’t have a local sponsor message this week? Okay umm. Could you at least play me a song again? I don’t know how to feel.
[Flamenco music plays]
No, something else Paul. That just makes me sad, confused, and craving a torta.
[Music changes to something more whimsical]
That’s a little better I guess. Thank you Paul.
[Local Community Spotlight B begins. “Bossa Nova Cooking Show Music” plays.]
We’re back listeners, and the time is now 12:30 in the afternoon. Marty, the Hotdog man, and Abracadaniel are probably starting their press conference about me now, so I… Don’t honestly know whether I should just hang up my hat and quit, or to go down there and fight one last time to defend my good name. I…
[Ring tone]
What’s that Paul? You got a message?
Listeners, Paul has just received a text message with a mysterious link on it.
No Paul don’t open it!
We have no idea where it could lead. It could steal your identity, it could play Rick Astley I…
Oh. Okay. Paul has already tapped it. I mean we could’ve used Muffin’s phone, but okay.
So… What’s on it?
I… Listeners. The link appears to show footage of… Me… But it’s all unedited and… Paul, to the Press Conference!
Actually, Paul, where is the press conference?
Outside a landscaping store? That’s a strange choice, are you sure its not at a hotel, like the Four Seasons or something? Well whatever. Paul play that batman sound effect for the scene change, and we’ll see you all in a moment listeners!
[Batman trumpet scene transition]
[Local Community Spotlight C begins.]
[Sounds of a crowd]
Stop right there Marty!
Everyone! This press conference is a sham and I have proof!
Move over Hot dog man, I need the usb port.
[Crashing sounds]
People of the hollow! This man has tried to paint me as a villain but thanks to an anonymous tip, we have recovered the original unedited footage from the video he is about to show you. So I’m gonna let you all see the truth, and then you can make up your own minds about me!
Paul play the video!
[Club music plays. Phil’s speech is very slurred]
Sure Marty… I like a good magic trick… I… Hold on.
Are they some kind of vegetable magician? What are they gonna do with that zucchini?
*gasp* Marty!
I’m starting to think this isn’t a Denny’s at all! Wait… Does that mean I’m not getting my grand slam? Wait no there it is. But how?
I… What are you doing with that camera Marty? Oh sure, I can hold your wallet for a second… I…
Hey did you just take a picture?! Wait. Were my eyes were closed?
No. Let’s take it again, but I’m very unhappy with you Marty… What? Fan the hundreds? Like this? That good?
Okay. I don’t know how to make it rain. I’m not a meterolo… A meaty oncologist…I… Well whatever, I just tell people about our town. You know what Marty? I love this town. I love the people in it. But not Craig.
Or that Marty guy. Uh oh. Don’t tell him.
Hey umm.
[Hiccup]
Can I have another one of these snapples? They taste a little off, but they make me feel gooooooooooood….
[Hiccup]
Woooo I chugged it! Das boooot!
So Mikey… That’s your name, right Marco? Ugh. I’m an animal! And this animal wants a Monte Cristo!
But all they have is the french fried potaters, the biggins. Uh oh… I sling bladed again. Quick Marsha give me my pill.
No Marty, we can go see your hatchet later, Mary. I wanna go have fun! Let’s go to the Krogar!
[Club Music fades. Bossa Nova Jazz Cooking Show music plays]
Wait. Sorry everyone. Just a second.
So… Two things. Uh, One, Marty you said we were gonna bury the hatchet… But I feel like you were just planning to kill me with a hatchet?
Listeners, Marty has just held up a card that says “I can’t hear you, I dropped a contact lens” and is unconvincingly searching the floor of the stage.
And secondly, Paul, is this when I started taking that pill?
Well what kind of pill is it?
A sugar pill? But why?
Okay…
Umm listeners, it seems Paul was playing a bit of a prank on me. Apparently, I stumbled over to his house after this video was taken, and kept saying that my drink tasted like a snapple but didn’t have any alcohol in it, and then I told him I needed my slingblade pill and fell down and ruined his date with Shiela.
And so Paul, being the true friend that he is, took me in to sleep it off, but also apparently kept doing the pill thing as a personal amusement and a bit of revenge.
Don’t laugh Paul. It’s not funny. I legitimately thought I was turning into Billy Bob Thornton!
It kept me awake at night!
But anyways, everyone, I brought this proof to clear my name and to show you all that whatever Marty shows you, it’s all fake. I… Wait.
So… None of you believed it in the first place? Well then why are you all here?
[Breaking Bottles]
Sir I… Wait they weren’t thrown at me this time?
Hold on. Is the Pastor holding up a sign? It says “He is not the worst person I know.”
Well from the Pastor, that’s high praise.
Susan is holding a sign in support as well, as is… ugh Regina Levinson.
“No thank you Regina. I’m not in need of a magician, vegetal or otherwise!”
Listeners, the crowd is starting to get riled up and I think the hotdog man has some kind of a hair dye or something dripping down the side of his not-face. It’s not pretty…
Listeners, the Hotdog man, Marty, and Abracadaniel are apparently getting the hint because they are now getting on their hoverboards and leaving. And I think the Hot dog man is giving me a smoldering glare, but I’m not completely sure.
[Broken bottle]
Sir, why do you have so many bottles?
Anyways, people of the hollow, thank you for your support and your belief in me even after the Swedish meatball incident.
I know that none of us, myself included, remembers where we originally came from, but what I do know, is that the Hollow is my home now, and you are all part of my extended family.
So listeners, I know I’ve said it before, but when it comes to community, nowhere on earth matches what we have here in the hollow. I am proud of this town and well, most of its residents, and we would all be incredibly honored to have you come and visit.
I’m Phil Liota, and with me is my PA Paul, and on behalf of the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism and the town itself, we wish you a wonderful night.
Ugh, thinking about who could have sent us that proof is making me all stressed now Paul. I need a tostada.
Oh god it’s happening again! Quick give me my Pill! Wait no, I caught myself. But seriously Paul, wanna go get some Mexican after the show?
[Phone Buzzing]
Wait, hold on. I just got a text message… It’s a signal chat message from… Marty? What is going on?