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Original airing date: 2025.10.31
Phil and Paul borrow a whole truckload of ghost hunting tools from the mayor in order to track down the source of a mysterious haunting in Phil’s apartment. Is the culprit a haunted loaf of pumpernickle? Or something more insidious?
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction
“Ghosts” by Florews (https://florews.com/ )
Main Investigation Segment:
“Ambient Relaxing Music for you” by Sergey Safikanov
Toast Ghost Episode Transcript
[Introduction Segment begins. “Ghosts” plays.]
Hello listeners and welcome to a new episode of not greetings from Evenfall Hollow.
Wait. Not Greetings from Evenfall Hollow?
That’s right, because today is a special episode, in that we’re not going to do it for the Board of Tourism. It’s for me, Phil.
And with me? My wonderful production assistant Paul, and our indispensable office cat Muffin.
We’ve gotten the okay to use the equipment from the mayor, so today…
[Serious tone]
It’s personal.
[Off Mic]
Did that sound cool Paul? Really? Ugh you’re no fun today.
Well anyways, we’re gonna start this special broadcast with a bit of an explanation. You see, a couple of days ago, after my usual shopping day Monte Cristo, I was out buying groceries at the Krogar when I caught a whiff of this horrible smell.
It was… It was bad. Like 8:00pm on a summer night in Florida with a basket full of Boar’s head salami bad.
Actually, come to think of it, it smells… Well, a lot like, Gunpowder and bats? Yeah, that was the smell. Oh, and a hint of cinnamon, because when I noticed the smell, I was walking by the cinnamon raisin English muffins.
So anyways, I bought some bread, a delicious pumpernickel by the way, and then I quickly made my way home and took a shower.
So, ever since then, I.. Well, I feel like there’s this oppressive, angry presence in my home. It’s so bad, that I can’t even relax on my couch, I mean it’s like having J.D. Vance as a roommate.
I just… I can’t take it anymore. The weird thing though, is that this oppressive presence and smell only seems to appear a little bit after I make toast. I don’t know if it’s a toast ghost, or ghost toast, but when I went to my doctor and asked him about it, he thought I was just having a stroke.
[Off Mic]
Side note Paul, have you tried those new ghost toast kit-kats? Ooh, they’re delicious.
But yeah, my apartment is definitely haunted.
[“Ghost” fades out.]
[Off mic]
Yes it is Paul. Stop shaking your head. It is.
So basically listeners, after being left in the cold by the medical industry, I’m going to see what the realm of pseudo-science can do for me. To that end, Paul, Muffin, and I are going to document every shred of evidence we find, and by the end of this episode, we will hopefully be able to answer the age-old question:
Are ghosts real?
[Off Mic]
Stop shaking your head Paul, they are.
[Main story segment begins. “Ambient Relaxing Music for you” plays.]
Let’s start with the evidence we already have.
Exhibit A is the loaf of Orowheat brand Pumpernickel bread that I bought from the Krogar. Dark, complex, and the undisputed source of this evil.
[Off Mic]
Yes, it is Paul.
I should make note however, that this brand uses cocoa, coffee, and caramel color to achieve its trademark dark brown color. This is in comparison to the traditional practice of slow baking the bread at a lower temperature, which I can only assume is to help deter any ghosts or demons lurking in the dough.
[Off mic]
What’s that Paul? Ah.
Paul says the low and slow baking is to help properly caramelize the sugars in the dough, which gives it its dark color and rich flavor.
[Off mic]
Are you sure it has nothing to do with ghosts?
Yeah. Paul is sure.
We’ve brought along a couple of unique tools for this investigation.
First off, we have something called an Ovilus. It’s a small, black box that, hold on, let me read the manual here. It converts environmental readings into words with ease. Okay. That doesn’t help me much.
Uh let’s see here. We’ve also got something called an SLS or structured Light Sensor. This is a high-tech device that uses a grid of infrared light to catch ghosts when they dance.
[Off Mic]
No Paul, I’m pretty sure that’s what it does. I’ve seen the videos.
We also have something called a spirit box that makes well, the worst sound you can imagine, and apparently that sound annoys spirits into talking to you.
Oh, thank you Paul. We also have a special EVP recorder that uses special technology to record Electronic Voice Phenomena, which is…
[Off Mic]
Uhh… Hey Paul. Does this say Sony Walk-man?
[Long sigh]
You’re just not taking this seriously at all. Well you know what? If we do find a ghost, they’re going to be so annoyed with you… I sure hope all the ectoplasm washes out of that shirt Paul, because you look really good in that color and it would be a shame to have to throw it out.
Well, whatever.
So, we’ve waited until Nightfall because ghosts only come out at night.
Hold on.
No, Paul says he had a date earlier and… Oh Paul! Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Tell me everything! Where did you both go? Did you get to use the brass knuckles? Oh? No… No, you’re right. You’re right. We’ll talk about it later, but you’re gonna tell me everything.
Yeah, so we’re going to do a sweep around my apartment using all of these tools, and hopefully, we’ll find some ghosts.
Okay. So, this is my breakfast nook.
I mention this because I eat my dinner here.
[Off Mic]
I know Paul, I’m a rebel.
I also make sure to eat my breakfast at the dinner table. So, take note ghosts, I’m hardcore.
Oh, hey Paul, try one of these white chocolate matcha macadamia nuts. The floral notes of the… Why are you looking at me like that?
Okay. So, this is my kitchen. This is ground zero. Now I know you don’t believe in ghosts Paul, but just the other day, a ghost made a pot of spaghetti in the middle of the night. But they didn’t eat it, you know, because ghosts can’t eat.
No… No. Don’t start shaking your head, Paul. If ghosts don’t exist, then how did a ghost make spaghetti in my kitchen?
Did I have a sleepy gummy that night? Well, yeah, but what does that… Ohh. Hmm.
So anyways listeners, Paul is rolling his eyes and putting on a set of noise cancelling headphones, and we’re going to do something called the Estes Method.
Basically, we have our little spirit box thing connected to a pair of noise cancelling headphones. Paul can’t hear me, only the output from the spirit box.
I will ask questions, and anything the spirit says in reply, Paul will say out loud. Okay Paul, are you ready? He’s not saying… Oh yeah yeah, the noise cancelling.
PAUL ARE YOU READY?
He’s giving a half-hearted thumbs up.
Are there any spirits here that would like to speak to me?
Paul has just shouted out the word “Sargento.”
Are you telling me you were killed by the Sargento family in a horrible gangland style execution over dairy dominion?
Paul has just shouted “Holiday Inn.”
You died in a Holiday Inn? Hey wait, is that the place with cookies? Wait no, I think that’s a double tree. Umm have you tried the Double Tree? And if so, are the cookies really that great?
Paul has just said Chuck Norris.
Wow! THE Chuck Norris!? No, No, wait, wait. I just saw him on a total gym commercial, so that can’t be right. Or was it a rerun?
Umm, Mr Norris. Is it true that you were once bitten by a cobra and after an excruciating 2 weeks, the snake died?
[Phil is interrupted by a loud thumping on floor]
Oh no I’ve made the spirits angry. Run Paul! Hold on. I hear something.
“Keep it down. This isn’t a dance studio.”
False alarm Paul. It’s just Ms. Stevenson downstairs telling us to be quiet.
Sorry Ms. Stevenson! We’re just looking for ghosts
[loud thumping]
[whisper]
Sorry Paul, I thought it was a ghost, but it was just my downstairs neighbor.
[Shouts so Paul can hear him over noise cancelling]
IT WAS JUST MY NEIGHBOR!
[loud thumping]
I know Ms. Stevenson, we’re sorry. We’ll keep it down.
Let’s try another room, Paul. No Ms. Stevenson isn’t having it. Yeah, take off the… There we go. Let’s move rooms Paul.
So, I guess we can go check the living…
Oh No Paul! It’s got me! Run Save yourself! You can’t have him demon he… What? Hold on. Another false alarm.
Yeah, Muffin was trying to swat at me as I passed and her claw got stuck in my pants leg. We’re good. No ghosts. Just a fuzzy jerk that needs her nails trimmed. Go ahead and run Muffin, I’ll find you!
[thumping]
Sorry Ms. Stevenson!
Paul has offered to take a quick walk around my apartment with the tape recorder playing. The hope is that he’ll catch an EVP or something on tape to prove there is a ghost. You know, my apartment really isn’t that big, so I guess we’ll just finish up here, then we’ll spend tomorrow morning… I dunno, pouring over our audio logs, and maybe we’ll see if anything shows up. So yeah, we will see you tomorrow.
Geez, why am I so snacky tonight? Oops forgot to turn the mic off. There we go.
[Yawn]
Good morning listeners. We’re back, and we are concluding our ghost hunt episode by going through all of our evidence, to see what kind of ghost has been haunting my apartment.
When we left off last night, Paul was walking around with a tape recorder, trying to capture evidence of an EVP. We’ve gotten a few files that sound like they have something, so we’re going to play those first here, and you the listener can help decide if it’s a ghost or not. Okay this is the first sound file.
[“Ambient relaxing music for you” stops.]
[File One: Sounds of crackers or chips being eaten, a cat meows. More crunching.]
[Phil Whispers]
“Do you want one Paul, it’s turkey and swiss.”
[More crunching]
[“Ambient relaxing music for you” begins.]
Okay, so that was me. I was bored, it was late, and I needed a little snack. Wait. Am I the ghost?!
Paul is shaking his head no in a very judgy way that only someone who hasn’t had a lifetime of Bruce Willis nightmares can.
Well I’m sorry Paul, the sixth sense was very unsettling to me.
Okay next sound file. This one came from the bedroom.
[“Ambient relaxing music for you” stops.]
[File 2: Opens to sounds of a woman moaning in ecstacy through a wall]
Hmm that is definitely a ghost. I mean listen to the moans of torment, and the… Hmm that doesn’t sound like torment. Okay false alarm again. That’s just my neighbor Dave.
[“Ambient relaxing music for you” begins.]
He… Well, he enjoys movies of an adult nature, and our walls are very thin. So, I’m just going to cross off moaning ghost…
And… Let’s see here. This is the last file, just going to hit play and…
[“Ambient relaxing music for you” stops.]
[long period of silence, and then the shrill sound of a fart.]
[Phil Whispers]
That was Muffin.
[Another fart sound]
[Phil Whispers]
That was Muffin too.
[“Ambient relaxing music for you” begins.]
Well, I didn’t hear anything in that file.
Well, I guess we don’t have any evidence at all Paul, but not for lack of trying. Oh, wait, hold on, the mail is here.
Okay, let’s see. The first letter is from the law office of Fromage, Schuster, and Pitz-Lopez. That sounds fake.
Okay, it looks like this is a cease and desist letter from Orowheat. The letter says “Orowheat officially states that while neither their pumpernickel nor their jewish rye lines of bread contain any sort of demon, ghost, or spirit, they do contain 31g of whole grain per serving. Any statement contrary to…
[subvocalized] slander… punitive damages…
Now hold on. Why did they only list their Pumpernickel and Jewish Rye?
Well let’s see here. This one is from the Krogar. It says that the Krogar categorically denies selling haunted pumpernickel loaves, demonically inclined San Francisco Sourdough, or One brand protein bars in maple donut or birthday cake varieties. Any further insinuations to the contrary will be taken as slander and will be forwarded to our legal team. You have been warned. All Hail the Krogar.
Wait. What’s wrong with the protein bars?
Well, it looks like we have one more letter., and this one is from my doctor. Let’s see here. Mr. Liota… Your test results indicate a heightened sensitivity to wheat gluten, indicative of the first stages of Celiac. Symptoms of this heightened sensitivity may include diarrhea, fatigue, bloating, anemia, flatulence, upset stomach, cramping, nausea, and constipation.
Hey Paul, can I bounce something off of you?
Okay, so the haunting only seems to happen when I make toast, right? The foul smells, that oppressive feeling, my stomach in knots… Do you think maybe, ghosts aren’t real, and I just… Have a gluten sensitivity?
Paul is nodding his head slowly at me.
So, I guess, mission accomplished? We found the cause of the recent strange occurrences and smells in my apartment, and that cause… Is me. As for the question of whether ghosts are real, I’m still on the fence.
I mean, sure, a lot of these weird occurrences came from me, and there was the whole making pasta at night thing. So basically, while we found no proof of a ghost, we also found zero proof that I myself am not a ghost.
So, wait. Doesn’t that mean our mission is not accomplished?
Paul is shaking his head and saying I was right the first time. But since we also found no proof that Paul isn’t a ghost, I think we have a… What’s the term? Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re done, and that’s what matters.
So, I guess now we can celebrate with some Seitan! Wait. Seitan is just wheat gluten, isn’t it? Well okay, I guess we could go to Arby’s and I could have a meat mountain without a bun?
No, you’re right Paul, I’d look like a monster. Well maybe Bennigan’s has a gluten free Monte Cristo?
Oh, who am I kidding!? They don’t have one of those!
Nobody has one of those! I guess I’ll just do the Chris Hemsworth diet, and eat nothing but steamed chicken breast and broccoli.
[sigh]
Will I at least look like a Hemsworth? Paul is shaking his head no.
[long suffering groan]
I give up. Muffin, just eat my face now.
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