Original Airing Date: 2025.11.15
Evenfall Hollow’s annual charity Walk-A-Thon is here and we’re going mobile to get you the story live from the scene! No sleep paralysis cobras at all! Really!
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Black Forest Ham?
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Mayor Brimley: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction
“Laundromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Local Community Spotlight:
“World of Ska” by FaithVentureMedia
Local Sponsor Message:
“Moldavian Polka” by DPStudioMusic
Walk-a-Thon Part 1 Episode Transcript
[Introduction Segment Begins. “Laundromat Lofi” plays.]
Hello listeners new and old, and greetings from Evenfall Hollow. I’m your host Phil, and with me is my PA Paul, and our office cat Muffin, and oooh do we have an interesting show for you all today.
You see, today is the annual Evenfall Hollow Walk-a-thon, where residents walk as far as they can to raise money for a worthy cause.
Look, I know what you’re thinking, but no, there are no hidden fumigations or coverups this time, just pure old fashioned good Samaritanism wrapped in a flaky crust of improved cardio-vascular fitness.
No sleep paralysis cobras at all.
Really!
None at all. So why don’t we…
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul? That’s exactly why we have the walk-a-thon?
Huh.
Well… Umm. It’s fine. Yep, all for a good cause.
Anyhow, why don’t we go ahead and take a look at whats happening in the Hollow today?
[Happenings in the Hollow Segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” plays.]
So, our first bit of local news involves the Mayor. So it seems that Giorgio Armani has paid an incredible sum to the mayor for his new fragrance “Gunpowder and Bats”, so now the mayor is rich, and the town is looking to massively expand.
Wait. Hold on. Paul, do we have the figures for that deal handy?
[Papers Rustle]
Ah, thank you. So, let’s see here, it looks like the mayor was paid…
HOW MUCH!?
[“Dynamic Flow” stops playing abruptly]
I… Phew… I’m…. oooh. I’m, gonna need a minute. Paul, if you could please.
[“Sad Violin 4” plays for a few moments as Phil groans and tries to recover his composure, and then fades out.]
Thank you paul.
In other news,
[“Dynamic Flow” begins to play.]
the Evenfall Hollow Aqua-center is now open. During its opening ceremony last afternoon, Aqua-Zumba instructor Margaret Duvall announced that she is now taking applications for her morning seniors aqua-zumba class.
Margaret noted that she rules the senior aqua-zumba world with an iron fist, and if you aren’t prepared to fight for your life to a set of bass-heavy, high-energy dance tracks, then don’t waste her [censor beep] time.
Whoa there Margaret.
Pricing is per class, with each costing $5, or $3.61 with a valid aqua-center membership.
Hold on, let me just take another look at that figure… Ugh! Never mind, never mind! Forget the news, let’s move on to our main story.
[Local Community Spotlight Segment begins. “World of Ska” plays.]
So, thanks to Paul’s ingenuity, and a fair bit of tinkering, I am able to be here on location all by myself.
You see listeners, I’m not just reporting on the Walk-a-thon today, I’m actively participating in it.
This magnificent feat is courtesy of a portable sound recording set-up, conveniently housed inside a piece of oversized Louis Vuitton luggage that weighs just north of 80 pounds.
Now, I would’ve preferred something a little smaller, like a GoPro or something that could be mounted in a small backpack, but Paul was concerned that it would interfere with my wardrobe, and also, well, we don’t make very much money.
So to counter the money problem, we went with luggage borrowed from mayor moneybags himself, who now has zero money issues. More on potential wardrobe malfunctions later.
So, the course for today extends from the Center of New Hollow, along main street, and down into old hollow where it loops around and comes back to New Hollow via Schoolhouse Road.
All in all, the course is about 10 miles round trip, with volunteers scattered throughout to track the distance traveled by the various participants, to provide refreshments for walkers that need a little boost, and also tazers for those who need just a little more of a boost.
Animal control officer Shiela Hernandez is on site to help keep participants safe from local wildlife, while Brandon of Brandon’s fuel and small engine is on hand with a truck full of guns to protect us from, and I quote “Government deployed drones that are here to control our minds and indoctrinate our children.” I figure that is more or less a ruse to get out of walking, but he seems very convinced of it.
As this is a mandatory event, a look around the starting line reveals many of the town’s most notable and beloved faces.
Susan Parket is ready to go with a fashionable sweatband around her forehead, and what I can only describe as a Princess Dianne-esque tennis get-up that is very fetching. Helen Akkerman is here as well with a table full of treats and carb-heavy snacks to help fuel the town.
Pastor Glanville is, unfortunately, here as well, and he appears to be wearing a black, hefty trash bag underneath his Black velour track suit complete with white priest’s collar. I don’t know if he is trying to sweat off a few of those recent meat-mountains, or just trying to make his own au jus, but his usual black on black style choices are quite possibly the least inspired of the event.
I mean, take Gronk for example. It seems since we first met him at the community softball game, that he has really embraced any and all the color. I don’t know if he was sponsored by hotdog on a stick, or just really likes their uniforms, but it really brings out his eyes, and it gives me the strongest craving for lemonade.
Oh, hold on everyone. It seems the mayor is giving the opening speech and starting the event, so I’ll go ahead and move on to the Local Sponsor message while things get underway, because you know, it usually takes a while.
[Local Sponsor Message. “Moldovian Polka” plays.]
So, given the advertising success of the Italian Olympian that was sponsored by, and photographed with a large wheel of Parmesan cheese, Individual foods have now apparently acquired marketing agencies, and are cutting out the brand middle-man.
I mention this because today’s episode was sponsored by…
[deep breath]
Black Forest Ham.
Yes listeners, I am doing the annual walk-a-thon dressed in a very Lady Gaga-esque suit, made entirely out of thinly sliced Black Forest Ham.
[Off Mic]
Yes, I know Paul. She wore it better. You can just say it. I’m an adult. I can take criticism. Hurtful criticism.
Anyways.
Now while this type of guerilla marketing does have an impact, as at least for the moment, I could really go for a ham sandwich, I’m confused about which brand of Black Forest Ham to buy.
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul? The Olympian that was sponsored by parmesan cheese was sponsored by an individual company named Parmigiano Reggiano? And everything else I said was gibberish?
Huh. I didn’t know that was a brand, I thought that’s just what the Olive Garden called parmesan, and also, be nice Paul, I’m literally having meat sweats.
So Yep, forget everything I just said.
I swear I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t for you Paul. Hmm hold on. If individual foods haven’t acquired corporate sentience, then who is sponsoring us, and why am I wearing Ham?
Hey! Come back here Paul! It was a serious question.
[Local Community Spotlight segment B. Music stops. Ambient sounds of crowds in background]
[sounds of gunshots]
Well, we’ll deal with it later because the mayor has fired the opening shots, and the walk-a-thon is now underway!
So right off the bat, it looks like Gary, the Bonecruncher, and Gronk have shot off ahead from the rest of the crowd and look to be making this a competition amongst themselves. I’d love catch up and see how it is going, but I’m stuck in the back here with this massive luggage and the Pastor.
He’s staring me down as he tries to fast walk ahead of me, but I can’t hear any of his insults over the swishing of his trash bags, so I’m just going to pretend that he’s not there.
Oh, there’s Susan. Hi Susan! I love the outfit!
So, listeners, we’re making our way up the first hill on the outskirts of new Hollow, and I swear, in between the pastor’s swishing, I’m almost certain I just heard thunder again. But that is not the important part. What is important is the port-o-potty situation up ahead.
There is a older lady standing outside of a cluster of them with 3 wiener dogs. While they are all on a leash, she is not holding any of them, and instead has just been letting them drag along the ground because as she has explained, they are good dogs.
Oh, the port-o-potty is now free, so the woman has scrambled around to grab all of the leashes, stepped inside, and is now attempting to wedge their leashes into the door while she uses the facilities, in order to keep them in place.
I’m just going to give them some space, in hope that the dogs don’t…
[Sounds of barking weiner dogs]
Nope. Never mind. They smelled me. Listeners, I’m going to have to take a quick break as I try to outrun them and I’ll be right back.
[sounds of running, barking, heavy breathing, and luggage rolling over asphalt]
Stop eating my pants leg!
[Loud sounds of something large falling and crashing to ground]
Okay. So that wasn’t successful in the slightest. At the sight or smell of my wardrobe, the group of wiener dogs… Murder of wiener dogs? Geez I wish Paul was here, he’d know.
But then again, he’s not here, so there is nobody to correct me.
[sounds of footsteps on gravel]
Well, the murder of wiener dogs, I’m going with that, attempted to give chase. Because they were wedged into the port-a-potty door however, the entire port-o-potty was subsequently pulled over onto its side, and then slid down the cliffside.
There were no survivors.
Among the many questions that have arisen from this incident, one stands out the most: Why was there a port-o-potty placed on the edge of a cliff?
Also, does the scent of Black Forest Ham give wiener dogs super-canine strength?
We may never know, but we offer our thoughts and prayers because that’s how we solve things now apparently.
Okay. Somewhere in the hustle to escape the wiener murder, the rest of the group seems to have gotten ahead of the Pastor and I.
Now, generally, it is best to stay with a group when roaming the back roads here, but hopefully everything will be just fine.
Are you doing okay Pastor?
[moment of silence]
Huh. Okay then.
Well since the Pastor doesn’t seem to be interested in camaraderie, I will just go back to ignoring him and continuing with my walk.
Oh, I almost forgot. As per our contract listeners, I’d like to take a moment to extend an extra special thank you to Black Forest Ham, who is currently sponsoring this episode.
Black Forest Ham. If you live in the EU, that means this ham came from the actual black forest or Schwarzwald region of Germany, as it is a protected designation of origin, kind of like champagne, Bordeaux wine, or Mozzerella di Bufala Compana.
If you are listening from Canada or the US, then it probably just came from Boars Head in Sarasota Florida. The land where truth is whatever you’d like it to be, and the meats give you a raging case of Listeriosis.
Black Forest Ham. MMMM.
Huh. So, while I read my scripting I appear to have lost track of the Pastor, and am now subsequently alone. While a break from that incessant swishing is welcome, I have to admit, walking this close to the forest alone is… It’s a little spooky.
[sound of a wolf howling]
Well that’s not good.
Listeners, my Ham seems to have attracted some of the local wildlife so I may need to pick up my pace a little and meet back up with the crowd, or at least the Pastor. I mean I may be covered in Ham, but at this point he’s probably no more than a few degrees away from being a pot roast, and should provide some measure of cover.
Okay, picking up the pace.
[heavier breathing, sounds of running]
It’s only one or two dogs, I should be… Wait a moment.
I smell Beef stew… And I know what to do!
Okay, Okay. Picking up the pace a little bit more.
[heavier breathing, sounds of luggage rolling. breaks out in a full run until there is a sound of something dropping and audio cuts out.]
[Phil whispering]
Listeners,
[Sounds of wind in background]
I’m not entirely sure where I am, but I fear things may be looking bad for me. In my haste to try and not become lunch for the local wildlife, I’ve left the main road and now am deep in an unfamiliar forest with no idea which way the town is.
[Rumble of thunder]
The sounds of thunder are quite clear now, but thankfully I seem to be alone. I don’t know what time it is, but it looks to be approaching sunset so I can expect the fog to roll in at any moment and the temperatures to plummet.
I am extremely hungry, and also extremely… Hmm wait a minute.
[sounds of noisy, juicy eating]
Oh that’s smoky and delicious. Mmm. Okay.
So, while I am now extremely thirsty, my left pants leg has thoroughly sated my hunger. My next course of action then, is to find my way back to the main road, and back, to civilization.
[Clap of thunder, followed by the sounds of a bell tolling]
Listeners, I don’t know if you can hear it, but I can hear the fog bell tolling in the distance which means it will be nightfall soon. I am so turned around at this point that all I can do is follow the bell and hope that it leads me back.
If I continue to follow this path, it looks like I’ll arrive on a bluff that might give me a better view of where I am and where I need to go. The trees are very closely spaced together and the oranges and yellows are so bright, even in the fading light, they’re kind of giving me a headache.
I would comment on the smells, but frankly, everything just smells smoky and delicious.
Oof okay. Listeners, I’ve just made it to the top of the bluff, and everything is still so foggy, that I can’t…
[sounds of thunder, gunfire in distance]
Hold on. I see movement in the distance, and I hear… Gunfire? I don’t know who is fighting down there, but it doesn’t look like it’s in the hollow. At least not from what I can tell with all of this fog. I… No hold on. I think I can see… is that the orphanage?
Wait. Wait. What is…
The fog has thinned slightly, and I… I don’t know what exactly I’m looking at, but I think it’s… Other towns?
In the distance, I can see twin towers, very tall, and glimmering in the fading sunlight. To the left, I can see a series of crumbling, ruined buildings.
[explosions in background]
I see flashes of light, explosions and… There is a more arid region even further out, also full of what appears to be ruined and crumbling buildings and skyscrapers. It’s too far to be able to see any details, but I can hear explosions and the firecracker-like sounds of gunfire I… I…
[sounds of approaching aircraft]
There appears to be a lone aircraft in the distance. It’s very high up, but it’s definitely approaching. No hold on. It has suddenly veered away but in its wake is a small object that appears to have fallen off of, or been dropped by the… I can’t quite make it out… I can’t.. I can’t quite make out what it..
[massive explosion echoes in distance. There is a dull rumbling that grows in the distance and the winds begin to pick up]
Listeners, there has been a bright flash and… I… No… Evenfall Hollow there…. There is nothing left. There is a giant mushroom shaped plume, it’s rising up from the valley but there isn’t anything around it.
Trees, buildings, they’re just gone, and a wall of dust appears to be moving outward in slow motion…
Paul…
Susan…
Muffin!
[meow]
Oh hey Muffin. Wait. Why are you…
[Loud shaking and rumbling of approaching shockwave increases]
Wait, is that Abracadaniel? And the Hotdog man?
Wait, who is that other guy in the saucy red suit?
[sounds of shockwave approaching. transmission fades out to static and signal interference.
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