Original airing date: 2025.10.15
It’s time for Evenfall Hollow’s annual meet on main community swap-meet. We check out the deals, get the low down on the No-Digeri, and if there is time, we might even go to the Arby’s.
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Gunpowder and Bats?
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Mayor Brimley: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction
“Laundromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Local Community Spotlight:
“Carnival Brasileiro” by The boysbeats/bruno de oliveira
“Sad violin 4” by Chrispixer
Local Sponsor Message:
“Classic hard rock harley davidson music” by Ikoliks
“Gregorian chant regina caeli prayer” by nickpanek
Outro Bed Music:
“Ambient Relaxing Music for you” by Sergey Safikanov
Meet on Main Episode Transcript
[Introduction. “Laundromat Lofi Chill” plays]
Hello everyone and greetings from Evenfall hollow.
[Off Mic]
You see Paul? It sounds nice.
Anywho, I’m Phil, and with me is my Production assistant Paul, and our office cat Muffin. If you’ve heard our show before, then you know what we’re about.
If you haven’t, well, everyone is doing it. Don’t you wanna be cool?
Yeah, you do.
So, we’re going to tell you how great our town is, and you’re going to try unsuccessfully to resist its charm. We applaud your effort, but resistance is futile. We’re just that good.
Or maybe, Evenfall Hollow is just that great of a town? Either way, we’d like to invite you join along with us as we take a look at what’s happening in the hollow today.
[Happenings in the Hollow segment begins here. “Dynamic Flow” plays]
In local news, the evenfall hollow orphanage has announced it is starting a cat adoption drive. With the wild dogs somewhat under control thanks to Helen Akkerman’s effort on the baking front, the local cat population in the hollow has exploded.
And that explosion, seems to be happening mostly under the bunk of a young child named Rosa, an Evenfall Hollow orphanage resident.
When asked how the orphanage is planning to handle this problem, Rosa replied simply “I know how to tie up a cat. I know.” Reports from Animal control seem to agree with her.
In other news, Animal Control officer Shiela Hernandez would like to remind all Hollow residents to please be sure to properly dispose of any chupacabras, chupasanders, elderly in-laws, and inattentive children that may be caught in traps on their property.
There has been an increased number of sightings of a strange new creature drawn in by their apparent succulence, and Shiela warns that residents should both remain indoors in the event of such a sighting, and to also, definitely not bear-mace it.
It is also recommended that residents also refrain from preparing any particularly spicy curries, vindaloos, or salsas in the creature’s presence.
Jambalayas are at your own discretion.
When in doubt, it would do residents well to remember Shiela’s helpful tip from last week for dealing with the creature. “If you smell beef stew, you know what to do.”
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul? Oh. You’re right.
So, listeners, for anyone that doesn’t know what to do, it’s run. But that doesn’t rhyme. Hmm, well what about… If you smell beef wellington, jump on that peloton?
You don’t know what a Peloton is?
Okay. Uhh How about… If the smell is meat, move those feet?
Really? Okay, we’ll workshop it later with Shiela.
Anyhow, why don’t we move on to our main feature today, the annual Meet on Main hollow-wide swap meet!
Huh? What’s wrong Paul? Why the long face?
Aren’t you excited?
No, I think it’ll be okay this time. I mean, what are the chances of another haunted piano? That was an isolated thing.
Trust me.
[Local Community spotlight segment begins. “Carnivale Brasiliero” plays.]
Today marks the start of our weekend long town swap meet, lovingly known as the meet on main. I’m not sure any one of us knows exactly how old the tradition is, but what I do know, is just how exciting this year’s spread is.
I mean, you can find just about anything at the meet on main.
Fans of Aboriginal Australian music will be delighted to know that John Dyer of didgeriddoityourself is here at the meet on main, showcasing some of his new wares.
John is particularly proud of his new line of products he has named Nodigeri. It consists simply of a 4×4, and you figure out the rest.
John claims it is an excellent purchase for young children and sitting members of congress, as it teaches them how to figure things out and get something done. Thanks John.
If diggeridoos aren’t your thing, then perhaps our next vendor will be more to your liking. Do you like the holidays? Do you love those decorative popcorn tins they sell around Christmas? You know, the kind with the cheddar, kettle, and butter flavored popcorn?
If you answered yes to either of those, then you will be absolutely in love with Glinda Hawthorne’s stall. You see, Glinda has an absolute mountain of decorative popcorn tins for sale. It should be noted however, that while every tin still contains popcorn, none of them contain the white cheddar flavor.
When asked why, Glinda simply replied “It’s the only flavor I like”. When asked why she doesn’t simply buy Cheddar popcorn by itself, we received only a smoldering glare.
Glinda states that she is selling them for 20% off, because only 20% of the popcorn is cheddar by weight, and she ate it all. Given the age of some of the tins, and the fact that she is indeed charging inflationary interest on their age, as well as a premium for being from a good vintage, each tin costs approximately as much as a used Toyota Tacoma.
Which is to say, somehow more than a new Tacoma.
Naysayers should also be warned that Glinda has stated on the record that low-ballers will not be accepted, and that she quote, “Knows what she has”. As do we Glinda. Old popcorn.
Moving down the line, we come to Brandon’s stall from Brandon’s small engine and fuel. While most stalls are no more than perhaps a driveway wide, Brandon’s extends for 2 miles. So, what is Brandon selling? Well, it appears to be mostly unmatched feral clown shoes, a wig or two, and a few hundred empty cargo containers all labeled as not for sale.
While his stall contains at least enough guns to outfit a small army interested in perpetrating a coup on a Congolese president, Brandon states that he is simply displaying his second amendment right to self-defense in the form of an innovative, NRA sponsored corn-less corn maze.
When asked what visitors might receive for successfully embracing his pro-second amendment argument/cornless corn maze, Brandon replied simply “Clown Shoes.” And pointed at his other table.
Finally, something we can agree on Brandon, thank you.
Now, If you’ve worked up a thirst hunting for deals, The hot dog man has set up shop next to Brandon, and is selling snow cones, but only in one flavor.
While he has two shaved ice machines set up in order to keep up with demand, the usual rainbow of syrups that are usually prominently displayed for visitors, are strangely missing. One person who gave a snowcone a try, reported that while it didn’t taste like any lemon flavor he’d ever had before, it did remind him of this one time in Thailand… Uhh… Don’t buy a snowcone.
Oh! No Paul, stay back!
Listeners, it looks like local resident Karen Haggerty is selling a piano. Let’s see here… The sign simply says “one not haunted Piano.” Huh.
No, don’t relax just yet Paul. This is how they got you last time.
Excuse me, Karen? This piano is not haunted?” mmhmm.
Yeah? So, it’s freshly tuned, in excellent condition, and is not haunted.
Soooo… Why not just refer to it as a piano? Uhhuh.
[Is repeatedly interrupted as he tries to talk]
No.
I’m.
Well.
Hey.
No, I’m not accusing you of…. I…
Fine. It’s a not haunted Piano. In excellent condition. Freshly tuned. And it’s free. So why is it…
You know what, nevermind. Thank you Karen.
So yeah, free Piano. I know Karen. Free Not Haunted Piano.
[coughs]
Totally haunted.
[cough]
Sorry Karen, yeah. I’m allergic to Pianos and mandolins. No, it’s fine, thank you.
Phew. I think we’re going to go ahead and cut to a message from our sponsors. Karen is still giving me a look and I think Paul and I are… Going to have to make a run for it.
[Local Sponsor Message segment. “Classic hard rock harley davidson music” plays.]
[Spoken in Mayor Brimley’s Voice]
Now listen up, I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story… About a Man, a dog, and a muscle car. If that don’t get your testosterone pumping, well hell, you might be dead.
Did I mention he has a gun? Yeah, he does.
Now what if I said that singular gun was actually plural. You like that? Yeah… This is a man’s man.
Now you just hold on a minute. I need to go flex in a mirror.
Okay I’m back.
That felt good. And by good, I mean my sciatica is acting up again so I just ate a cookie, but I ate it dry, while wearing a plaid shirt – You know, real manly-like.
But anyways, this isn’t about me and my tagalongs. It’s about a real tough guy with a real tough past. But he got over it. It’s called a past because it’s in the past. He’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it, or the traumatic flashbacks he has while he washes his dog. He does pull ups, not therapy.
And no, the mannequin thing doesn’t count. What does count is that he’s a man’s man, with a manly ass dog. And he’s saving the world on his lonesome.
What’s he saving the world from you ask? Hell, if I know, but they’re ugly. And they don’t like the light much.
I think they’re some kind of zombie, or vampire, or well, you know what I’m talking about. They aren’t all there, they’re bitey, and they like to beatbox with each other very quietly inside the dark buildings.
Well, I don’t much get it myself, but you’re focused on the wrong details.
This is a man that does heavy physical labor. He runs. He does tactical stuff with a flashlight. He shoots at things.
And he sweats. Because a man sweats.
Now we’re gonna skip the social commentary, and deeper details that drive him as a character and as a human being. If you want all those survivor’s guilt, loneliness, and mental health issues that we train real men to push deep inside until they crack and become mass shooters, well, you’re gonna have to watch something else. Something a little more touchy feely like Saving Private Ryan. I’m telling a story here. And that story is about a man fighting against impossible odds.
You know, like that other one. The Greek one. 200 hundred guys in subligars against the communists? And they had elephants?
Did you know that was 2,504 years ago? I had to look it up because the whole time, I thought Gerard Butler was in his 40’s.
He looks good. It’s probably from all the paleo. None of that Vegan diet or that Taquito diet. Wait. Was that the one with meat?
Well, whatever it doesn’t matter, so stop sweating me for all the wrong details.
So, for all of you young bucks with the attention deficits from all the Spongebob Squarebritches, I’ll sum it all up:
Man. Dog. Musclecar. Guns. Sweat. Beatboxing vampires, and Sacrificial protagonist. Now mix all that up and give it a whiff.
That is my new fragrance.
And that’s why I’m calling it Gunpowder and bats. And as a compromise for all you Ivy League types, I’ll do it all artistic too. Get your berets straight and hold on. Are you ready?
[“Gregorian chant regina caeli prayer” plays]
So, pretend I described everything I just described, but in black and white. Now I know sound doesn’t have a color. But I’m telling you to pretend it does, as if what I said was a movie, and then you do the opposite of what they did in the wizard of oz.
No not about the lollipop guild and all the racism, I mean the techni-color. Keep up.
Are you there? Good. So, if that’s not artsy enough for you, then I’ll go ahead and do it in Latin. That’s fancy right? Now lets see here. Pulvis Pyri et Vespertiliones.
That’s what the google says.
Wait, the google is set to Italian. Well, it’s fine, they’re pretty much the same thing. Pretty sure the pope speaks Latin. Anyways. Vampire and. No. No. Gunpowder and Bats. In stores now. Buy it and be manly.
[Phil is aghast]
What… What the [censor beep] did I just hear?
Paul? Is this a joke ad? It’s not?
So, what company is it for? I mean the product is Gunpowder and bats sure, but who makes it?
I mean, normally in these ads, they have like a ghost whisper the company name at the end, like “Giorgio”?
This one just talks about the pope.
Wait. Is this from the pope? Did the pope watch I am Legend and decide to make his own cologne?
It’s from who? The mayor!?
Well, I mean, hey, it’s creative. Gunpowder and Bats.
You know, my neighbor at my apartment complex smells like gunpowder and bats. Nice guy. Anyways, back to our main story.
[Local Community spotlight segment continues. “Carnival Brasiliero” plays]
Phew. Okay, I think we lost her.
Uh… Welcome back listeners. If you’re just joining us, Paul, Muffin and I are here on Main Street.
We’re just a couple of street walkers, making deals, checking out the wares, you know…
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul? What do you mean we can’t.
uhhuh…
Oh.
I’m going to have more problems with Regina Levinson, aren’t I?
Yeah…
[Nervous and rushed]
Umm so Paul, Muffin, and I are currently perusing the local community swap meet and giving you the heads up on deals.
[Strong Emphasis]
That other residents have for products in their own stalls.
Not us.
We aren’t selling anything Regina.
Ahem.
So, the next stall we’re coming up on is. Oh, it’s the magician.
Hold on, he’s holding up a card. It says “I’m just Daniel now. I don’t do the magic thing anymore.”
Well, that’s too bad. Is it because of all the jokes?
He’s nodding his head.
Can I still call you Abracadaniel?
He’s shaking his head. Okay.
So, it looks like Daniel’s stall is full of… Wow. There is some amazing stuff here listeners! Just in the front here I see A La Marzocco espresso machine, and ooh is that an MV Agusta? Let’s see what else is…
Huh.
A Monte Cristo sandwich. And all the price tags just say one. [suspicious] One what, Daniel?
Oh, you don’t happen to have a card for that one?
Oh, you’ll tell me after I buy it huh. Maybe I’ll just ask Ben Afflec over… I mean Howard Pearson.
Sorry Howard. Oops let me get that for you, your protest sign was upside down. There you go. And I totally agree with it. That Daniel guy is a real jerk.
So uh, hey, did you ever make it over to the Arby’s to use that coupon he gave you?
Uh, Howard is shaking his head as he continues to despondently smoke a cigarette.
Well, That’s no good. I’ll tell you what, We will grab you some Arby’s when we finish the show here, and we’ll bring it over, okay?
So yeah listeners, don’t buy anything from Daniel. It’s most certainly a trap, and that one on the price tag is most definitely your soul.
[Off Mic]
Well it’s definitely not in US dollars, Paul. I’ve seen the economy!
Oh Paul, it’s Susan. Listeners, Susan Parket has a stall this year and is selling a variety of Landscape and still life paintings that she has painted over the past few months.
Wow Susan, I had no idea you could paint like this.
So, tell me about this one. Yeah, it’s ok. Listeners, it’s like that Worhol painting of the soup, but with… Karen Akkerman’s muffin. That’s really specific.
And this next one looks like an aerial view of the town? Beautiful!
And this one… Is that a Panini maker? And then a Falcon wearing a Sombrero… A ceiling fan and Red vines… uhhuh… Russian SU-75…
[Nervous]
Ahem. Very beautiful Susan.
[Off Mic]
No Paul, you can’t buy one. I’ll explain later.
Thank you, Susan, keep it up!
No, I’m not acting weird Paul. We just have to keep moving. We still have to cover the oatmeal cook off! Yeah.
So, listeners, we’re going to skip ahead so we can fit some coverage of the oatmeal cook-off in to this episode. That said…
Huh.
I don’t think anyone bothered to show up to the oatmeal cook-off.
There are a lot of tables, but the only person here is the mayor, and he’s just sitting there alone, hate-eating a bowl of old fashioned oats.
[“Sad Violin 4” Plays]
I’m sorry Mayor. I know. I know I love oats too, but for most people, oatmeal is a… Mostly a breakfast thing.
After breakfast, if people want oats, they usually just eat it with about a pound of mild cheddar, and a teaspoon of ground beef, wrapped up in 2 tortillas and sold from a family owned Mexican-inspired restaurant in the south.
I know you were looking forward to the oatmeal eating contest. But oatmeal just isn’t that popular.
But hey, tacos are popular. Maybe next year, we can do a taco cook-off instead? And then we could have a taco eat… Nope. I caught myself that time Paul. High-five.
[High five slap]
[Outro segment begins. “Ambient Relaxing Music for you” plays.]
Well listeners, they say the meet on main never fails to impress, and they were absolutely right this year. I was so impressed in fact, that I think I need to just go anywhere but here.
We saw a lot of different things for sale today, and even more that was just on display, but vehemently not for sale.
The one thing I think we can all agree on however, is that very little of it is actually worth buying.
But that’s not the point of the Meet on Main, is it?
The mandatory meet on main is not really about selling anything at all. It’s about bringing the community together in one place, so we can all share a moment of community spirit, and so the city can secretly fumigate everyone’s homes for dream spiders.
You know, the spiders that if they did exist, almost certainly wouldn’t be attracted to your dreams, and they also definitely wouldn’t have a bite that results in vivid nightmares of your favorite childhood memories, but remade by David Lynch, a chronic condition known only as Juggler’s colon, agonizing death, and uncontrollable flatulence before, during, and after?
Yeah, it totally wasn’t about those ones.
So, until next time, this is Phil, Paul, and Muffin offering you greetings from Evenfall Hollow.
Hey Paul, are you coming with us to the Arbys? Ben is hungry.
Patreon is how we eat. If you can, please help support the making of this show.
https://www.patreon.com/EHBT
A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney