We sit down with big Carl at the local Perkin’s and ask some hard questions over pie. Also, the pickle incident at town hall, a rise in mustard-based assaults, and home-cooking, just like mom used to make.
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Claussen Pickles
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction
“Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Local Community Spotlight:
“Midnight Coffee” by Trang Thanh (youtube.com/@YourMusic-666)
Local Sponsor Message:
“The Russian Gunfighter” by Nicholas Panek
Outro Bed Music:
“Ambient Intro/Outro” by NaturesEye(Leigh Robinson)
S01E09: Big Carl Episode Transcript
[Intro segment. “Good morning” plays]
Good morning fellow and future residents, and welcome to the latest episode of…
Where did I put the note card… Ah Thank you Paul. The latest episode of Evenfall… McEvenfall Face?
[Off Mic]
Paul… Is this serious? Did that naming contest already end? Mmhmm. Huh.
Well, I’m not calling it that. I don’t care what the mayor said.
Uh huh… Mmhmm…
Yeaaaah, but no. I’m not calling our show Evenfall McEvenfall Face.
Do we have any other submissions?
[Off Mic]
Oh? Rosa from the orphanage? Okay, what is it?
Uh huh. I’ll try it.
Okay. Ahem.
Good morning fellow and future residents, and welcome to the latest episode of Put your Socks on, we’re having milk.
Huh.
I mean it’s slightly better, but I really don’t think we’re there yet.
Anyways listeners, I’m Phil, and I’m here with my PA Paul, and our office cat Muffin, and we’re here to talk about our wonderful little town of Evenfall Hollow. We’re gonna to continue taking new submissions for show names until we get one that isn’t terrible, so if you have any more ideas…
Well, if you have any more GOOD ideas, please let us know. And now for some happenings in the Hollow.
[Happenings in the Hollow segment. “Dynamic Flow” plays]
So, before we get into the local news, I just wanted to take a moment to talk about Grillo’s Pickles.
[Off mic]
Have you tried one Paul? Oh, they’re so good. I just ask because the local news story today has me thinking about them.
You’ll enjoy this listeners:
So, at the Townhall meeting the other day, Susan Parket brought a few containers of those Grillo’s Pickles for the refreshment table. I tried one for myself, and I was just enraptured.
Within just a few minutes, a whole line of people had formed, eager to give them a try. I guess the peer pressure was enough that even Pastor Glanville decided to check them out.
[stifled laughter]
Okay so, so here’s the fun part, listeners:
Grillo’s pickles, well, they have this absolutely horrible packaging. When you open a fresh container, it ALWAYS sprays pickle brine everywhere.
So, Brandon from Brandon’s fuel and small engine takes the last slice of pickle from the first container and walks off to enjoy it.
Helen Akkerman was next, but she just couldn’t manage to get the new container open.
[Stifled Laughter]
Okay. So the pastor, as is usually the case, ran out of patience and brutishly pushed Helen aside. He broke down the little tab on the side of the container, pulled the rim out and bam! Sprayed with Pickle brine.
So, the Pastor jumps back in shock
[Stiled Laughter]
And just immediately storms back and tries to open up the pickles again… And gets sprayed again.
Well after the third time, most of the town had started to gather around to watch, and that of course, just made the Pastor even more angry. Well after who knows how many more attempts, the Pastor just starts raving about how Grillo’s are the devil’s pickles.
So, the Pastor just storms out of the Townhall, dripping with pickle brine and smelling of dill, just raving about the Devil’s pickles.
[Phil takes a breath and wipes eyes]
So, in local news, the local congregation of Baptized and Lord Loving Souls has come out to protest against Grillo’s Pickles, and will not stop until, and I quote:
“City government takes steps to ban, and subsequently release us from the scourge of the Devil’s Pickles.”
[hearty crunch of biting into a pickle]
Pastor, I think I speak for the town when I say, you’ll have to pry them from my cold briny hands.
In other news, there have been several reports from old hollow residents about the mysterious, dapper hot dog man. Local animal control officer Shiela Hernandez reports that he has been riding his hoverboard around the valley, with a large cardboard sandwich sign affixed to his hot dog cart that reads “End free School Lunches.”
When Ms. Hernandez approached the man and inquired about purchasing a hotdog for lunch, the hot dog man reportedly handed Ms. Hernandez a napkin, vigorously sprayed her with a bottle of mustard, and hoverboarded away.
When approached for a statement, a city government official replied simply “That hot dog man is a real jerk.” As they attempted to dab at one of several mustard-colored stains.
Indeed, he is. And now on to our main story.
[Local Community Spotlight segment. “” plays.]
For our main story today, we’re headed over to the Perkin’s Family restaurant in Old Hollow to have a chat with Big Carl. For those of you who haven’t met Big Carl, he’s a local Oracle of sorts. He sits in the back booth of the Perkins, and if you order him a slice of pie, he’ll give you an answer to any question you may have, regardless of his knowledge in the subject.
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul? You’ve never been to a Perkins? Oh Paul, you’re in for a treat. Hmm? No, no, it’s more homestyle than a Bennigan’s. No, same wood paneling everywhere.
Uh huh. Nope, same green vinyl seating…
Huh… So, I guess it’s… Bennigan’s, but with little trays of Apricot, and twinberry flavored pancake syrup, which are delicious by the way.
[door opens]
Big Carl! Oh, it’s great to see you too! Did you get the list of questions we sent you? Great.
Nope we pre-ordered you a whole pie.
Mmhmm. Caramel Apple, your favorite. Didn’t get sued by any Argentinian tourists while ordering it, or nothing. It’s free and clear.
So, listeners, at the last town hall meeting, we gathered a list of questions from the community, and… Oh, my tremendous twelve is here, that was fast. I don’t even remember ordering one.
[Off Mic]
Hey umm Paul… We didn’t just get locked into another lease or anything, did we?
No? We’re good? Okay.
Anyways, do you mind if we eat while we chat Carl? We’re starving.
Ooh, Paul, are those Potato Pancakes? Excellent choice. And extra apple sauce? That’s a pro move Paul. I’m proud of you.
Oh, and great choice on the BBQ tangler burger Muffin.
So, Carl, shall we get to the questions?
First off Carl, Paul and I were discussing it a moment ago, but how would you describe a Perkin’s to someone who hasn’t been there before?
Mmhmm.
Hmm.
So Big Carl says it’s Homestyle cooking the way mom used to make.
Well, that’s sweet. Was your mother a good cook then Carl?
Oh. She was a line cook at a Bennigan’s…
Stop smirking and eat your potato pancakes Paul.
Our first question comes from fellow resident Bill Harris. Bill writes:
“After a lot of time psyching myself up, I’ve finally decided to wade in to the local dating pool. I’ve had plenty success landing first dates, and my go-to date place is usually the Applebee’s in New Hollow. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to ever have any luck with a second date. I’m relatively attractive, I enjoy listening… What’s am I doing wrong?”
Well Bill, first off, thank you for your question. Carl has thought it over, and we’ve talked it over a few times as well. In the end, I feel we have all come to a consensus: Applebee’s is what you’re doing wrong. Stop it.
Our next question comes from Corin Almedas of the Evenfall Hollow Orphanage. Corin asks “The children have been asking for more books to read, but I’m unfamiliar with any children’s authors. Do you have any recommendations?”
That’s a great question Corin.
Mmhmm.
Carl says to try “The Chronicles of Narnia, by Salman Rushdie.”
Wait… I… I don’t think that’s the correct author at all Carl.
Okay, so listeners, We’re gonna take a quick break and eat our food, so we’re gonna to move on to a message from our local sponsor, and we’ll be back shortly.
[Local Sponsor Segment begins. “The Russian Gunfighter” plays]
We live in dangerous times. Now a days, a man can’t even eat in peace without his own food trying to kill him. A few months back, my uncle died from drinking a second cup of lemonade. And my neighbor? Well, he died last week when his Tesla reversed itself into a lake.
He was just trying to pull up and pay for his 2 for 6 Roast Beef combo at the Arby’s, and now he’s gone, so I count it as food related.
And did you know I can’t even eat at the Sizzler when I’m traveling, because if I flush the toilet on a Boeing airplane the wings might fall off?
But do you know what won’t kill you? Claussen Pickles.
Claussen Pickles are good food, and they’re good for you, too. Did you know that cucumbers are actually a fruit? I mean from a culinary stand point they’re still a vegetable, but botanically? It’s a fruit.
Claussen knows that. That’s why Claussen Pickles are never heated.
They’re not making a pie. They’re making pickles – Refrigerator pickles. And damn good ones at that.
From a simple barrel of cucumbers 150 years ago, Claussen has built a mighty empire, and they did that by not getting any innocent human consumers killed.
Why did I qualify that statement so specifically just now? Well, sometimes they like to add a little bit of extra garlic. Most people appreciate its pungency. Most, save for that one eastern European fellow down the road. Only came out at night, dressed like his grandkids shopped for him at the Hot Topic… But that was an isolated case and we’re not going to talk about it. You can wait for the Netflix documentary just like everyone else. Right now, we’re talking about pickles.
I mean, sure, they could crush you if they wanted to, they’re big pickle. They can crush anyone they want. But they’re also benevolent. They just want to make good pickles. Crispy pickles that pack a crunch that can’t be beat. And that’s all you’ll hear out of them. A crunch. A big one.
In contrast, research shows a whole host of sounds, noises, and disturbances that may result from consuming their competitor’s pickles. Disturbances like acute colonic fugue states. Nobody needs any of that. Do you want a tangy bite to end a great sandwich, or Hugh Lorey to have to spend an hour diagnosing why your bits don’t work? I’ll stick with the crunch.
Now Claussen knows they’re not the only Refrigerator pickle in town. But they stick to what works, and that’s a glass jar. Not like those other guys. At best, that little plastic container they use is going to squirt you when you open it, and get pickle brine all over your counter top.
At worst, why, they might take away everything, and everyone that you love.
Don’t believe me? Well, do you remember the financial crisis of 2008? Foreclosures. Repossessions. Everyone was losing their job. Even GM needed to be bailed out by the government. It was a mess. Did you know that 2008 is also the year one of our main competitors started business?
Coincidence? There is no such thing.
So, when you’re at the store, reach for Claussen Pickles. They may not taste as good as the other guy’s, but you won’t need a rain slicker just to open them, and they won’t crash the economy and make your grandma lose her house.
Think of your grandma. Think Claussen.
[Local Community Spot light segment begins. “Midnight Coffee” plays.]
Welcome back listeners. We’re here at the Perkins with big Carl, and we’re getting answers to the community’s most burning questions. Just like this question from… Oh. It’s from… Regina Levinson…
[Annoyed sigh]
Regina writes, “Phil. The connection between us is…” Nope. Next question. I swear, you sing a song softly to yourself one time while you’re getting a lemon bar from the snack table and it just. Keeps. Haunting. You.
Ahem.
Our next question comes from Susan Parket. Susan writes “Dear Big Carl. For the past few months, my nights have been plagued with nightmares. While they’re different every night, they all seem to end with me being killed in a myriad of horrible ways. I never remember all the details, but when I wake up, I’m always in a cold sweat with this deep feeling of dread inside of me that I just can’t shake. Are my dreams trying to tell me something?”
[Nervous tone. Phil talks very quickly to dismiss the question and change the subject]
Umm… Well… Ahem. They probably don’t mean anything at all Susan. Just silly nightmares. Maybe try to drink some warm milk before bed, and wear a helmet.
Hahaha <nervous laughter> So where are the rest of those questions Paul?
What? I’m… No, I’m not acting weird, you’re acting weird. Ah here we go. Phew. Okay, and it’s one from the Bonecruncher.
The Bonecruncher writes:
“My faithful and dear friend Carl,
It has been many moons since our last conversation, but I find recently, I am once again in great need of your sage advice.”
[Off Mic]
Hey Paul, is this really from the Bonecruncher? I don’t remember him being such a wordsmith. Oh, I’m sorry.
“While I have been a fixture of my industry for over four decades, recently, I find my passion for the chiropractic arts, to be waning. I’ve tried to expand my expertise in an effort to freshen up my routine. I’ve begun offering acupressure and acupuncture, and I even tried the thing with the cups, but nothing seems to rekindle that old spark. I’ve tried to push past this rut I find myself in, but it seems the more I push, the more pent-up rage I seem to feel.
Cheryl has suggested that I try to expand my horizons to areas that are more out of my comfort zone.
I took a French cooking class at the rec center and I felt absolutely nothing.
I took a letter writing class, and all that got me was the ability to describe my rage in a flowery prose.
I took a class on birdwatching, but we don’t seem to have any birds here, and I find that Cardinals look ridiculous anyways.
I tried everything, and nothing seemed to sooth that inner turmoil, at least not until I enrolled in an improvised hip-hop class at the community center.
With every pop and lock, I felt my problems just melting away. I can’t even floss without smiling at least a little. Anyways, I feel like I’m at a cross roads now.
I’m a chiropractor, that’s my trade. But improvised hip-hop makes me feel… Alive. So, my question is this: Should I stay the course and keep my proverbial nose to the grindstone of chiropractry and other unscientific forms of osteopathic pseudoscientific quackery, or should I take this new path that lies before me, and embrace my love of dance?
Sincerely yours, The Bonecruncher.
Phew. I know we’ve talked about how the Bonecruncher was really going through something Paul, but I didn’t expect things went so deep.
What’s that Big Carl? Mmhmm. Oh, no, we wholeheartedly agree. So, Bonecruncher, Carl says that you should dance the dance of life and I think we all agree. Life is short, and if something makes you feel fulfilled, then you should embrace it. Also, the Colonel is really getting tired of mopping, and you never know when going to pick up a Panini maker could be your last errand. Enjoy your life while you have it.
[Outro Segment begins. “Ambient Intro/outro” plays.]
Well Big Carl, it has been an absolute pleasure, and I would like to thank you on behalf of all of our listeners for allowing us all to sail upon your vast ocean of knowledge with you. We hope you enjoy your pie, and perhaps we can do more of this on future episodes. To all of our listeners, Paul, Muffin, Carl, and I wish you a good evening. Now if you’ll excuse us, it’s time for pie.
Patreon is how we eat. If you can, please support the making of this show. https://www.patreon.com/EHBT
A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu Mckinney.