We absolutely stay on topic as we chat with the Colonel about what it takes to run Evenfall Hollow’s premiere coffee house. Also, sign ups are open for Kyle Johnson’s latest improvised Hip-hop dance class.
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Visine
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction
“Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Local Business Spotlight A:
“Relaxing Jazz Podcast Coffee Shop Music” by Denis Pavlov
Local Sponsor Message:
“Terror Heights” by Ribhav Agrawal
S01E07: On Topic Episode Transcript
[Introduction segment begins. “Good Morning” Plays”]
Hello listeners and welcome to another episode of the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism’s Promotional show.
I’m your host Phil, and I’m here with my production assistant Paul, and our office cat Muffin.
We’re going to spend another wonderful episode talking about all the great things happening in our little town, and showing you everything you’re missing by not being here. So, with our introductions out of the way, lets jump right in to the Local news.
[Happenings in the Hollow segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” plays]
Happening in the hollow today, reports continue to pour in about random storms and thunder in the valley.
We have yet to have a confirmed sighting of storm clouds, so more than likely, Brandon from Brandon’s Fuel and Small engine repair is probably just blowing things up for fun again.
[off mic]
Ugh I know right Paul?
Last time he was playing with explosives, he blew up a whole pack of feral clowns. It was raining rainbow wigs and oversized shoes the whole weekend.
Well, that’s true, the dogs loved it. Oh, did you see the picture Susan Parket took of that one dog that got a burnt wig stuck on its head and couldn’t get it off? Yeah, it was chasing Pastor Glanville all around town with what looked like a giant, partially singed rainbow beard.
[Sighs]
Ah, good times.
In other news, local resident Kyle Johnson is looking to start an improvised hip-hop dance class over at the Evenfall Hollow Rec center.
Kyle, known across the valley for his innovative “San Leandro skid”, is currently taking applications for his “just beat it on the streetcar” class, which takes cues from the early dance routines of both Michael Jackson and James Gandolfini. Interested residents can sign up at the rec center.
Lastly a quick reminder of the upcoming chamber of commerce awards ceremony.
This year’s awards, due to popular demand, will once again include the award for Evenfall Hollow resident of the year.
If you will be attending this year’s ceremony, please remember there is a formal dress code, and that means bringing out the good Sunday machete, and of course, chaps.
Headwear is optional, but be sure not to wear a fedora. You know how the lady in white feels about fedoras.
And that concludes today’s happenings in the hollow. Next up, we pay a visit to the Quartado coffee house in our local business spotlight.
[Local Business Spotlight segment begins. “Relaxing Jazz Podcast Coffee Shop Music” plays]
Before we begin with our local business spotlight, I want to address some comments that have been going around recently regarding my… My apparent inability to actually finish one of our local business spotlight interviews. I would vehemently disagree with this statement, however our boss, mayor Brimley has weighed in on the matter and…
[Phil Inhales through teeth in annoyance]
He feels they have a point. And so, in this episode, I will be aggressively staying on topic.
[Off Mic]
What are you smirking at Paul?
So, for this week’s Local Business Spotlight, we are paying a visit to our local, and much beloved coffee spot, the Quart-ado coffee house.
Quart-ado, famous for its weekday quart of espresso special, has recently teamed up with Helen Akkerman to supply an array of deliciously sweet baked goods to go with your morning cup.
The owner, a man we know simply as the Colonel, has been kind enough to take a few minutes to answer some questions about his shop.
So, Colonel, I have to say. I’m on my third quart of espresso, and I just can’t get enough. What is your secret to making such a delectable cup?
[sound of door opening]
Oh no, go ahead.
So, listeners, a customer has just come into the shop looking for a morning pick me up, so the Colonel is just going to serve them, and then we’ll get back to the interview. The Colonel is very quick and should be back in just a moment.
So, while we wait, why don’t I paint a picture for the listeners. The customer is standing at the counter in a pair of knee-high fuzzy boots and a fur collared, goose down coat. She is impatiently fiddling with her phone and waving it around the room as if trying to find reception. The Colonel is simply waiting patiently for her to finish. Well, I guess we’re all waiting patiently, really. He has just asked her what she would like, and she has finally looked up from her phone.
[sound of door opening]
[whisper]
Oh listeners. It’s the Bonecruncher!
[Off mic]
Yeah Paul, things must be going better at home. Oops. Paul, we have to stay on topic. Only coffee and coffee-related discussion today.
Shh. Stop trying to tempt me, Paul. You know this is partially your fault. What? It most certainly…
Ahem. Stay on Topic Phil. Okay. Ahem.
So, the woman has taken a look at the menu board up on the wall, and has begun fiddling with her phone again. The Colonel is clearing his throat, and the woman has looked up in annoyance. After another moment of silence, the Colonel has asked the woman for her order once more, and the woman has crinkled her face in response, and let out an annoyed sigh.
“I don’t know.” she says, “Just get me something I’ll like.”
The Colonel’s eye has begun to twitch, and the Bonecruncher appears to be tapping its foot, which is never a good sign.
The Colonel has let out a sigh and with frankly, amazing patience, has replied to the customer in an even tone, that “he does not know her, and thus has no idea what she would like.”
The woman has crinkled her face once more. “Well, I don’t like coffee.” She replies, “So just something I would like would be great thanks.” She also noted that she would like the WIFI password.
[The Bonecruncher begins to bellow in a rage]
Uh oh.
Oooh… Listeners I…
[Sounds of a popping balloon and a large amount of liquid splashing onto the floor, followed by a long period of the sounds of a barista pulling a shot of espresso. Once the espresso has been pulled, the Bonecruncher’s relatively calm, sloshing footsteps can be heard as he makes his way through all the blood to the door and then leaves the building.]
So, Colonel, is customer service a passion for you, or?
Uh huh. Well, I don’t know if explosion is the right word…
[Off mic]
Hey Paul, what would you call it when you bite into a tomato and all the juice and seeds shoot out. No, squirting is something else Paul. Yeah, bursting or popping probably describes it better. Thank you, Paul.
So, Colonel, about the customer service…. Oh. No, I don’t mind helping. Do you have some booties or something? And a mop?
Oh, it’s no problem. Listeners, we’re just going to help out here for a moment, so we’re going to cut to a word from our local sponsors and we’ll be back in just a few minutes… Well, maybe a little longer than that.
[Local Sponsor Spotlight. “Terror heights” plays]
You’ve received an invitation from some friends to visit an old cabin in the mountains of Tennessee. That’s great! You love mountains. You also love long drives along winding dirt roads full of log trucks. Best of all? It’s cheap.
You cross a dangerous bridge, and continue on down an old logging road that is conveniently just wide enough for your land barge of a car. You don’t know how you drove so far into the mountains in a car that probably gets 3 mpg on the highway, and also randomly tries to steer you into an early and painful death, but details like that are minor and insignificant.
You’re on a vacation.
And hey, you’re here. And the porch bench is waving. Now that’s friendly!
One of your friends has decided to spend the vacation sketching a clock. Wait no, she’s drawing a book with a face, and she’s being really intense about it. Artists. Am I right?
Well, I hope she’s hungry, because as soon as your other friend finishes looking at all the bones, skulls, and rusted chains that are hanging from the ceiling, you’re gonna have some hamburgers. And also, some margaritas using a blender.
In a cabin in the middle of the woods, without electricity.
Don’t obsess over the details. It’s a vacation, and nothing says vacation like margaritas.
“Hey,” you begin. Did the Air bnb mention anything about a basement full of nightmares? What about an old book that looks like its cover is made out of Marlon Brando? No? So, if you read it, are you going to get charged, like with one of those mini-bars in a Hilton? Hmm no, looks like it’s just going to turn the moon blood red and drop a tree through the window. Fair enough. Still cheaper than Netflix.
Well, a storm has rolled in so I guess it’s time to wind down and get some sleep.
Oh, your friend? She’s gonna draw a few more pictures of the Brando book in her room, and then wander out into the woods alone in a bathrobe to confront the ancient evil she heard in the basement. Sounds legit.
So, it looks like the forest is a little too Harvey Weinstein adjacent, and you’re going to drive your friend back to town. But the car won’t start. “It won’t start! It won’t let us leave!” your friend shouts. But you own an Oldsmobile- not starting doesn’t take supernatural forces, it’s a design feature. Never mind, it started. Oops, but it doesn’t matter, because that Janky bridge you almost died on earlier has completely collapsed.
Oh well. I guess you’ll just have to go back to the cabin and listen to some troubling audio tapes about possessions by Sumerian demons while your friend learns how to guess playing cards, apply questionable makeup styles, and stab people with pencils.
Wow. That really took a turn, didn’t it? You should probably lock her in the basement.
Now that that’s all out of the way, why not sit by the fireplace while your friend in the basement growls and gargles through a crack in the door. Her eyes are bleeding. She sounds phlegmy. Has anyone offered her a Benadryl?
Actually, hold on. This cabin might have a toxic mold thing or something, because one of your other friends is dressed like a Juggalo now too, and is just running around choking everyone. Oops, now she’s on fire. Ooh. Now she’s chewing her own hand off.
I don’t want to judge, but you might want to find some new friends. Wait a minute. What is your friend doing with that axe? Ugh.
So, hey… Did you happen by chance to answer another meet-up ad off of the craigs list for this? Seriously, you gotta stop doing that. It always turns out like this.
Well, this isn’t at all what you expected. Also, your girlfriend has jumped on the clown bandwagon too, and she’s just laughing in the bathroom doorway. Hmm the basement clown is laughing too. Wait. Now nobody is a clown?
Is this one of those Shia Labouf performance art installations?
Well, I don’t see him having a meltdown in front of a camcorder in the corner, so you’re probably not being Labouf’d. You’re 90% sure of that, Also, your friend’s head fell off, and you chopped another up into pieces, and the basement clown escaped so you had to shoot them too.
Oh, and the pipes under the house are bleeding. As are the wall sockets, and the light bulbs. So, does this place have a utility bill, or just the world’s quietest generator? And how do Sumerian demons feel about solar? Is that a yay or a nay?
Well, whatever. You’ll worry about that question later, because the Brando book is now on fire. And… Yeah. All your friends have exploded.
There is absolutely no way you’re getting your cleaning deposit back, and frankly, you’ll be giving this rental one star at best.
But hey, the sun is rising, and it’s the start of a new day. So, freshen up, because you’ve got things to do, and you don’t wanna look tired while you do them.
Visine. Gets the red out.
[Local Community Spotlight segment 2 begins. “Relaxing Jazz Podcast Coffee Shop Music” plays]
Welcome back listeners. We’re here at the Quart-ado coffee house with its owner the Colonel, and we’ve just finished with clean up from earlier. So, with that done, we thought we’d catch our breath with a few interview questions so visitors can really get to know the Colonel.
So, Colonel, is customer service a passion for you, or does your passion lie more in the roasting and…
[sound of door opening]
Really?
No, go right ahead Colonel, we can wait a few moments.
So, listeners, another customer has walked in. It is a large man, and he is wearing camouflage pants along with 3 guns on his hip, uh 10, 11, 12 magazines, and a shirt with a torn flag, rifles, and a red, white, and blue punisher skull. He is looking over the menu with obvious disdain.
The Colonel is asking the man what he would like to order, and the man has begun gesturing angrily at the menu while appearing to question the Colonel’s sexual orientation, as well as his knowledge of coffee.
The Colonel has let out a resigned sigh and has reached over and pointed at a menu selection simply labeled “coffee”.
The man is apparently not happy with that and has begun to berate the Colonel.
[sound of door opening]
[Off Mic whisper]
Uh-oh. It’s the Bonecruncher again Paul. Put on your poncho.
[As Phil asks interview questions, The Bonecruncher proceeds to maul the customer. There is bellowing, breaking dishes, ripping and tearing sounds, and they are loud enough that Phil has to talk over them]
So, Colonel, since the Bonecruncher will probably be a few more minutes, I’m just going to try and ask a few more questions. So is Customer service… Hmm… Uh Maybe that’s just not a good question. Hmm. Uh, Personally Colonel, how often do you enjoy a…
Umm excuse me, Bonecruncher? [sounds pause] Could we keep the mauling down to say, an inside voice level? Just for a few minutes so I can finish this interview? Thank you so much, and also please say hello to Cherryl for me. I hope she is doing well.
[Mauling sounds continue, but at an inside voice level]
So, Colonel, what is your favorite cultivar of coffee? Colonel? No, I’m sure that’ll buff out.
[dishes break loudly]
Hmm…
No, nobody is gonna notice that. So long as he doesn’t….
[crashing sounds]
Hmm… So, Colonel, what are your feelings on Tea?
[Sound of something bursting and splashing all over the ground]
I know it can be divisive, but where do you stand on herbal teas?
[Sloshing footsteps as they leave the café. Door opens and closes.]
Phew. I dunno Paul. I think the Bonecruncher is still going through a few things at home. I mean look at all that blood.
No, I understand Colonel, closing early is probably a good idea, but thank you for your time, and I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow for another quart.
You see Paul? I can stay on topic. I have a laser-like focus when I need to. I really don’t know what everyone keeps going on about.
[Outro segment begins]
Well Listeners, I feel like aside from the bit of tennis elbow I’ve gotten from all the mopping, we got a lot of questions out there today, and got a good look at just what it’s like to run a coffee house here in the hollow.
More than anything however, I think we really learned that the Bonecruncher takes his coffee very seriously. The fact that he frequents the Quart-ado so much, should really tell you just how good the Colonel’s coffee really is.
If you are new to town, or even just a long-time resident of the Hollow, make sure to stop by the Colonel’s Quart-ado coffee house and get yourself a cup.
So long as you order promptly, and don’t try to connect the Colonel’s sexuality to his taste in warm beverages, I’m sure you’ll have a great time.
Until next time, this is the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism wishing you a pleasant evening, and one free of Bone crunching and… What did we decide on Paul?
Ah, thank you. And an evening free of any unplanned popping or bursting incidents.
[End of Episode 18:10]
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A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu Mckinney.