Original Release: 2025.05.15
A mysterious magician appears in Evenfall Hollow, a new Vape shop opens in the New Hollow district, and Helen Akkerman has had enough.
Local Sponsor message provided by: Pier 1
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction:
“Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_Music
Local Business Spotlight Part 1:
“Podcast Smooth Jazz Instrumental Music” by Denis Pavlov
Local Sponsor Message (Pier 1 Imports):
“The Mystery of the Lost Ark” by Luis Humanoide
Local Business Spotlight Part 2:
“Ambient Relaxing Music for you” by Sergey Safikanov
Local Business Spotlight Part 3:
“The Ghost of Shepard Pie” by Geoffrey Burch (geoffreyburch.com)
S01E05: The Magician Episode Transcript
[Introduction segment]
[“Good morning” Opening Jingle plays]
Hello listeners, and welcome once again to Evenfall Hollow.
I’m your host Phil and I’m here with my irreplaceable production assistant Paul, and our Office cat Muffin, and we’re going to show you all the wonderful perks of living in our quaint little town.
If you haven’t managed to come visit us yet, we’re sure you will soon. I mean look at this wonderful place. Why wouldn’t you?
Oh, you don’t like dogs? Well then come here just to stick it to our local wild dog population.
Or… Bring your whole family to really rub their hungry, hungry faces in it. Everyone will have a great time, especially the dogs!
But enough about what the wonderful town of Evenfall Hollow has to offer. Let’s dig into the news.
[Happening in the hollow segment begins]
[“Dynamic Flow” begins to play]
In local news, New Hollow resident Travis “T-dog” Allen has announced the grand opening of his new vape shop. We’ll be visiting later on in the episode in our local business spotlight segment, so stay tuned for more details.
As a heads up, T-dog will be giving away free promotional flat-brim hats at the celebration, so make sure to get yours. It’s first come, first served, so get there early.
Or whenever. The vape life isn’t really about hurrying anywhere, is it?
The main issue this week however, is all of these reports on what can only be described as… A Magician?
Apparently, people in town are receiving visits from a strange character dressed like a struggling Las Vegas magician. We are not sure where this new visitor comes from, or why he’s here, but so far, the consensus seems to be, that he’s not very good.
Our first report about this so-called magician comes from Susan Parket.
Susan reports that she was washing dishes in her kitchen when she stated out loud that she wished she never had to wash another dish again. When she looked up, a man resembling a magician was standing outside in the fog, just on the other side of the kitchen window.
Susan noted that this man was dressed in a standard issue tuxedo, with red bow tie, white gloves, and a top hat.
This magician reportedly stood in the fog with a blank, yet troublingly piercing stare. After several awkward moments, and without breaking eye contact, the magician attempted several card tricks, none of which were completed successfully. He then attempted to pull something out of his top hat, but Susan reportedly closed her blinds.
She stated simply, that she had no time for a magician or a mime.
Oh! I see what you did there Susan.
[Off Mic]
It rhymed Paul. Didn’t you catch it?
We have another report of this so-called magician from Brandon of Brandon’s fuel and small engine.
Per his report, Brandon was on his roof looking for rogue, aerial drones as per the usual, when he said aloud that he wished said drones would stay still and take their shootings like a man.
Just seconds later, Brandon noticed a stranger standing in the road in front of his store. The stranger was dressed in a tuxedo, top hat, red bow-tie, and white gloves, just as he was in Susan’s tip, and was reported to have stared up at Brandon from the ground as he once again attempted several card tricks.
Brandon, who considers card tricks, even when poorly performed to be, and I quote, “A liberal conspiracy to keep down gun loving patriots”, immediately pointed his shotgun in the direction of the magician and pulled the trigger.
Rather than a gunshot however, Brandon reports that a rain of confetti erupted from the barrel.
When he looked back down at the magician, he was said to have presented his pointer finger, and wagged it slowly in a disapproving fashion.
Brandon reportedly looked away just long enough to grab another shell, only to find that the so-called magician had disappeared.
Troubling reports to be sure.
Confetti can be an absolute nightmare to clean up. But hey, at least it wasn’t glitter. You never get rid of that stuff.
Our next tip comes from, oh… Pastor Glanville. Huh… I guess he’s not dead.
I owe you a coke Paul.
So, let’s see what the pastor is angry about now…
mmhmm… okay.
So, the pastor is angry because the bible talks about magicians, and also does not approve of face cards. He goes on to say… Well, who cares, I mean really? Would you be as angry if he turned water into wine pastor?
Mhmm.
Anyhow, our last tip is from…. Ugh. Helen.
Helen expresses concern over my comments about her… Ugh I wish that magician would make her disappear.
Well, that’s enough news for today.
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul?
[“Dynamic Flow” Stops abruptly]
No, I wasn’t planning to. Uhhuh… What’s she going to do? Bake me something?
Oh… huh.
[“Dynamic Flow begins again]
So, Paul here thinks this magician is being lured by people making wishes out loud, and he thinks I might have just summoned him with that comment about Helen.
I mean it’s possible Paul, but likely? Probably not.
I mean they appeared outside Susan’s because well, who doesn’t love Susan?
As for Brandon, well… He’s had several run-ins with feral clowns, so maybe he just attracts entertainers? I’m sure I’ll be fine Paul.
So anyhow, let’s move on to our Local Business Spotlight.
[Local Business Spotlight segment begins]
[“Podcast Smooth Jazz” begins]
We’re here at Evenfall Hollow’s newest vape shop and wow! There is a much larger line than I would’ve expected.
[Off Mic]
Indeed Paul, people love their vapes.
Huh. Hey, Paul. Look over there. Is that… A magician?
It would appear that the crowd isn’t lined up for vape juice at all, they’re here to see the Magician. Though they seem more sleepy than excited. I dunno, maybe he’s a Xanax selling magician?
Huh where did he go?
[Off Mic]
Hey uh… Paul, I bwaaha!
Listeners, the magician is now standing right next to me, close enough in fact, that I can very clearly pick up that… Almost oppressive aroma of the backstage of a high school auditorium mixed with a dash of that smell you get when you first open the door of a cappuccino brown 91 Honda Accord lx at around 2:45 in the middle of a hot Los Angeles parking lot after watching a matinee showing of Independence Day.
You know the smell I mean, right?
No? Umm…
How about…
[Sniffs air]
Hickory farms summer sausage, inflatable pool toys and a black permanent marker?
Paul is still shaking his head.
Okay. How about the cologne on that guy wearing the chunky silver bracelet that just got out of a yellow Hummer H2 and cut in front of your grandma as you opened the door for her the last time you went to the olive garden?
[Off Mic]
What do you mean what is a Olive Garden?
Huh.
Well, he smells unpleasant Paul, and yet oddly nostalgic.
[Off Mic]
Uhhuh….
Yes! Yes.
Like the inside of an old Taco Bell that still has that vaguely Pueblo style architecture.
What would I do without you Paul?
What really matters though, is that he hasn’t said anything, and is just… staring…
So, I’m just going to back away a little bit and…
Bwa!
He’s in front of me again, and this time he has cards out.
I think he wants me to… pick one? Okay… If that’s what it takes to make you leave….
Oh, It’s a business card. Daniel Jinn. Hmm, that’s all it says.
Oh, he wants me to flip it over.
Written in black sharpie are the words “Hello Phillip.”
[Off Mic]
Yeah, he even wrote a period at the end. Proper punctuation is no laughing matter Paul.
But my name isn’t Phillip.
Nope.
Technically it’s Raymond Filmore Liota, but I personally go by Filmore with an f, because despite what people say, everyone does not love Raymond; they said a lot of hurtful things.
And also, I got tired of having to tell everyone “No, the other one.” Phil is just easier.
Wait.
When did he change the card?
Yeah, it… It says “Hello Raymond Filmore Liotta.” now.
I appreciate that Magician, but professionally anyways, everyone just calls me Phil with a P-H, because that’s what Stacy over in recruiting wrote in my file when I was hired, and she’s has never gotten around to changing it because, well, she’s lazy.
So, you see, everyone thought I was Phil, and I got tired of correcting everyone, so I just went with it… I’m sorry Mr. Jinn. I’m being rude. I uh…
Oh Paul, now the card says “Hello Phil.” with a P-H.
You know Mr. Jinn, you’re not a crappy magician at all, no matter what anyone says.
So, he’s still maintaining a troubling amount of eye contact.
Do I… Clap?
I don’t know Paul. It’s kind of like a child’s birthday party where the whole room is just waiting for the kid to make a wish and… Oohhhhh.
[Off Mic]
Paul, I think this is that make a wish foundation incident all over again… And no thank you. John Cena was very nice, but those parents were extremely rude.
So, Mr. Jinn It’s… It’s fine, no wishes to make here.
Paul, Muffin and I are just going to back away now and…
Listeners… The entire crowd outside of the vape shop has just turned in unison to face me.
Nobody is saying a word. They’re just… Staring.
Paul, would you grab Muffin please? I think we’re going to have a to make a run for it, because this guy isn’t taking no for an answer.
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul?
You brought a Snickers this time?
Well, no, I guess it couldn’t hurt. Here goes.
[grunt of effort, followed by an impact, and then another as the object lands on the floor]
Listeners, in an effort to diffuse the situation, I have tossed the magician a Snickers.
[Off Mic]
No… No Paul, he didn’t eat it.
No, it hit him right in the face.
Wh… I’m sorry! I got scared!
What? No, he doesn’t look angry… Well maybe he does, it’s hard to tell.
Uh… Listeners, the crowd has slowly begun to walk towards us and they look… Well, they just sort of have a children of the corn meets Gary Busey at a Sunday brunch sort of thing going on.
So, listeners, we are going to pause for a moment and bring you a message from our local sponsor while we try to… Uh… Yeah, while we run.
[Local Sponsor Message segment begins]
[“The Mystery of the Lost Ark” begins to play]
Imagine you’re middle-aged. You’re also dressed like a lion tamer. It’s fine, we aren’t here to judge.
You’re on a vacation. You’re also in an airplane, flying high above Burma.
While you’re excited to see where the next leg of your adventure takes you, you’re also tired.
So tired…
So tired in fact, that not even the angry clucking of chickens and the attitude of the angry blonde woman in the culturally inappropriate red cheongsam can keep your eye lids from slowly shutting.
Ah the sweet embrace of sleep.
But then you wake up.
There are no pilots on the airplane!
The door of the airplane is open and chicken feathers fly around the cabin like a snow flurry.
How can things get worse? There aren’t any parachutes!? You’re all going to die if you don’t act quickly!
Your eyes dart around in a panic. You see a net full of casaba melons hung on the wall. Stacks upon stacks of wooden crates clutter the cabin around you. Behind them, a hand-carved armoire sits, tied with fraying rope to the bulkhead.
Several hand-woven rugs are rolled up and hung from a rack near the door and they whip violently in the wind. They’re really well made, you think to yourself as chickens bounce frantically around the insides of their hand-made bamboo cages.
The wind howls through the cabin, combined with a cacophony of clucking and ruffling feathers.
You can’t fly a plane, and even if you could, the plane is out of fuel!
Did I mention, you are all going to die?
It is at that moment that you notice a life raft stowed in the corner.
“You’re not sinking you think, you’re crashing!” But no matter.
You unfold it hurriedly atop a crate of watermelons as you wonder why exactly this plane has so many seemingly random numbers of randomly assorted melons. That’s not how exports work at all!
You pull the inflation plug on the life raft and dive out of the airplane.
The raft spins and twirls in the air as it inflates, and the woman screams in terror for the entire minute and a half it takes for you to land.
Wait. How is that even possible? Is she a ghost?
You land hard atop a snowy slope lined with dense groves of trees. Those dense groves have convenient gaps between them, exactly the width of your raft, and laid out directly in your path.
What luck you think, but also you think about how much you wish you had a handmade armoire. It’s fine. The human brain does stuff like that in the heat of a life-or-death situation.
But seriously, you’d love to nestle a couple cardigans in there, maybe even I don’t know, some khaki’s? What are the rules for filling an armoire? You’ll look it up later, because right now you’re falling off a cliff.
The journey continues.
You get bit by a monkey.
You get covered in hundreds of creepy crawly insects that writhe and wriggle through your clothes and hair. And that was all before you had the leader of a cult try to pull out your heart in a crazed ritual to the goddess Kali.
It has been a busy day you think. But your thoughts immediately shift back to the craftmanship of those beautiful hand-woven rugs.
If you survive this ordeal you think, you know the exact spot in your living room for one.
At Pier 1, we can’t provide you with an exciting adventure, but we CAN provide you with a hand-made rug, or an exotic hand-carved armoire that makes you feel like you had one.
Best of all, you won’t need to get vaccinated or renew your passport, because it’ll be so expensive, that after you buy something, anything really, you’ll be lucky to have enough money to make it home.
Pfft. Vacation? What are you a Rockefeller?
[“The Mystery of the Lost Ark” fades out]
Pier 1. Your bank account will feel like you had an adventure.
[Local Business Spotlight part 2 begins]
[“Ambient Relaxing music for you” begins to play]
Welcome back listeners.
The magician and his horde of followers have pursued… Well no, that’s a strong word. They’ve shambled in our general direction for quite a while now, and upon running out of options, Paul, Muffin, and I have taken refuge in one of the new, non-descript WeWork buildings that are popping up everywhere in town.
Unlike our first experience, this building’s impossibly long hallway is lined with doors on either side, along with an artisanal coffee station and several varieties of craft beer.
Someone must be reading the suggestion box.
There is also a Muzak rendition of Reel Big Fish’s “Beer” playing in the background.
I think I preferred WAP, but the Ska at least seems to keep the townsfolk at bay.
As a side note, you’ll notice the entire town is now shambling after us, not just part.
Even when entranced by, well let’s be honest, a rather low energy magician, we do it as a town. That’s unity listeners. If you want community, Evenfall Hollow is hard to beat.
So, we can’t obviously go back outside, what with the whole town unity and everything, so I guess we’re just gonna make our way through the WeWork building again, in an effort to find another way out.
Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll find another Bennigan’s.
[Off Mic]
Hey now. They have salads too Paul, we’ll find something.
Just because I’m getting a Monte Cristo doesn’t mean you have to.
So, we’ve arrived at the first door, and I’m just going to open it and…
[Sound of metal door opening and then quickly closing]
Nope. Nope. I’m not… Just gonna close that back up and keep on going.
[Off Mic]
No Paul, you don’t want to know.
We’ll just try this one over here and…
[Sound of door opening, followed by the shriek of a monster]
Oh! Oh! Sorry! Sorry!
[Door Closes]
Well, how about this one?
[Door Opens]
Hmm.
There is a large waiting room with a tv playing Fox News.
There is a prominently placed poster on the wall that claims a properly aligned spine will stop post nasal drip and ear infections.
Wait a minute… I know what this is. It’s a chiropractor’s office. Nice try bone cruncher! I’d rather deal with the children of the Busey outside.
[Deep Breath as door closes]
Ok. One more try.
[Door Opens]
Huh. It’s just a room full of sock puppets.
That’s not so bad. Wait, Stop. What are you doing?
[Door closes]
Oof. There was a bowl full of car keys on a coffee table Paul, and that’s all I’m gonna say.
We’re just keep walking.
Ooh Paul! Muffin smells something.
Lead the way Muffin, lead us right to the Bennigan’s!
Listeners, there is a wonderous smell in the air that is getting stronger and stronger as we go.
There’s another door just up ahead, and I don’t know about you Paul but I’m starting to feel a bit famished.
Please not sock puppets, please not sock puppets…
[Door Opens]
Oh.
Well, that’s just great.
[Fakely cordial tone]
Oh, hi Helen…
So, listeners, we now appear to be inside of Helen Akkerman’s new bakery, and I’ll admit, I’d be considering going right back to the bone cruncher over this, but the door has unfortunately disappeared. So yeah… Umm…
Nice weather today, huh Helen?
[Awkward Silence]
Yep… Yep…
So, uh… Whatcha got there? Muffins? Yeah… Oh, they look great…
[Awkward Silence]
Uhh… Hmm… Yep…
So uh, listeners, the town full of unity has already found us, or was waiting for us, and has already surrounded the bakery.
The magician is standing in front of them and once again he is not saying or doing anything.
We have no way to escape at this point, so I will admit, things are starting to look bleak.
[Off Mic]
Paul, I … I know we seem to be doing this a lot, but it has been an honor to work with you.
Muffin, likewise.
What’s that Paul?
Why are you staring at me?
No, I’m… I’m not… I’m not going to….
[long pained groan]
Fine… Fine…
Helen…
I am sorry for the things I’ve said about your baking. Your baked goods are absolutely terrible. But… Everyone has to start somewhere?
It’s just that usually people improve after this much… Uh, no, no. Helen, I’m sorry. I…
What is this? A matcha scone? And what are those things? Are they tiny scallops?
Oh, white chocolate chips? I… So, what’s the catch?
You added a touch of lemon zest?
I… huh that actually sounds pretty good.
So, is this one of your new products or…
It’s for me? And it’s an Alton Brown recipe?
And you followed it? Who are you? Nope, nope, I didn’t mean that.
Thank you, Helen, I’m gonna give it a try right now.
Lemme just take a tiny little…
[Excessive moans of ecstacy]
[Deep Breath]
Listeners, I was wrong again. Helen Akkerman has just presented me with what is quite possibly the best scone I have ever had in my life, even better than the ones from that one guy that left to go live in the desert. Steve Carlsberg I think?
And it makes it very clear to me that I have been absolutely horrible to her.
[sigh]
Helen, I may have possibly brought this crowd and magician here because I may have possibly… well… wished for you to disappear. Yeah, it was a real jerk move I know.
And so, I am going to step outside, and I am going to take whatever punishment awaits me because I now understand that…
Helen?
Where are you going with that Rolling Pin?
Listeners, Helen has just walked outside of her bakery while carrying a large rolling pin… She is raising it to hit the magician and…
Oops. Now it’s just a red, long stem rose.
Geez this guy is really good.
He… Oh! Listeners, Helen has dropped the rose and has instead lifted up the Pyrex dish of fresh scones and shattered it over the top of the magician’s head and…
Well, he isn’t going to be doing many card tricks, not until he finds the rest of his… Uhh… Ooh.
So, on a positive note, the town seems to have shaken off its whole needful things style soul-for-wishes-quid-pro-quo business, AS A COMMUNITY, and appear to be far less keen on murder than they were before Helen…
Well, before Helen made a brain appear out of a magician’s hat.
So, crisis averted I suppose?
Hold on. There is an envelope in the magician’s hand and it appears to be addressed to me.
Uhh… Let’s see here…
Okay. So inside the envelope is… a bill from wework?
It says Private office: $700.00. Extra member fee x 2: $200.00.
[Off Mic]
Hey, Umm.. Paul… Did we sign a Wework contract?
It was at the Bennigan’s?
Listeners, Paul says that by eating the Monte Cristo at the Liminal Bennigans, I accepted their terms and conditions? So, I guess the magician worked for wework? Or was it like a gig economy thing?
I don’t understand late-stage capitalism, but that’s another point for Evenfall Hollow, listeners.
Here, you can just be a crappy magician without having to moonlight for an evil corporation that will underpay and overwork you. We all get our own homes when we come here… Well, I didn’t, but most people do.
I’m not really sure how that works actually.
In conclusion listeners, we’ve learned some valuable lessons today.
The first, being that sub-par magicians can and are listening to your private conversations, and may offer you a great deal in exchange for your soul.
[Off Mic]
Yeah Paul, like an Amazon Alexa.
The second lesson is that if you are a wish granting magician, or if you want to critique Helen Akkerman’s baking prowess, you’re gonna wanna to wear a helmet.
And lastly, never eat a delicious sandwich at a liminal Bennigan’s without checking for any strings that may be attached.
I seriously have no idea how I’m going to pay this bill Paul. The mayor pays me in oats!
Well, we’ll see you all next time listeners.
Have a good night.
[End of Episode: 26:09]
Patreon is how we eat. If you can, please help support the making of this show.
https://www.patreon.com/EHBT
A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney