Original Release Date: 2025.05.01
A mysterious white building appears in the old hollow district, Helen Akkerman opens the doors to her new bakery, and Susan Parket enjoys a delicious Turkey O’toole sandwich at Benngian’s.
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Bennigan’s
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction:
“Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow
“dynamic flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Liminal Space
“Dark Ambient Emotions Music” by DeusLower/Vlad Bakutov (go Ukraine! 🇺🇦)
Bennigans
“The Celtic Life” by Fred Torres/FJRAC_Travel_Vlog
Monte Cristo Episode Transcript
[Introduction segment begins. “Good Morning” plays]
Hello listeners, and welcome to the latest episode of The Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism’s promotional show.
I’m your host Phil and I’m here with my irreplaceable Production Assistant Paul, and our office cat Muffin who can foretell your death and melt your heart.
If you’ve just started listening, our job here at the board of tourism is to share with you a peek of what life is like in this leaf strewn paradise we call home.
Hopefully once you see how great our town is, you’ll feel an uncontrollable urge to come visit.
We say hopefully, because we’d like to keep our jobs, but hey, no pressure.
It has been a busy week here in the Hollow, but I feel absolutely great.
You see listeners I’ve managed to snag a few nights of deep, restful sleep, and everything just feels so much clearer now.
I’m excited, full of energy, and ready for another wonderful episode.
[Off Mic]
You take it down a notch Paul, I feel good today.
It has been a happening week in the Hollow, and the town has just been abuzz with news. I don’t know about you listeners, but I’m eager to dive in, so let’s get started.
[Happenings in the Hollow segment begins. “Dynamic Flow begins to play”]
First on the list is a tip that has been reported by several residents in the old Hollow district of town. They report the sudden appearance of a small, windowless building.
It is painted in a plain white color, and has no identifying markings whatsoever.
On the building’s lone, heavy red door, is hung a simple sign with the words “Yes, we’re open.”
It should be noted, that the exterior is fully ADA compliant. There is a gently graded ramp, a staircase, and an additional flat expanse of concrete, with a red bullseye painted in its center, so really, there is something for everyone.
Evenfall Hollow orphanage resident Rosa notes that the building, and I quote, “smells grapey to me”.
Always helpful Rosa, thank you. We’ll check into this new addition later in the broadcast.
Our next tip is great news everyone. Mayor Brimley has announced the return of the Evenfall Hollow Farmer’s Market!
The market will open this Saturday at 8am in front of town hall and all visitors and residents are welcome. All residents that is, except for Helen Akerman.
You know what you did.
Mayor Brimley would also like to remind all attendees to please remember to bring your bear repellant, a stain resistant poncho, and your sharpest household knife.
We don’t want a repeat of last month, do we?
Next up, we have a tip from… Helen Akerman.
Ugh.
Helen says her bakery is now open, as evidenced by the halo of dead birds around the building, I’m sure. And this just in, trichinosis, free with every purchase.
[Off Mic]
Oh, lighten up Paul, I was just making a joke.
Best wishes Helen, and good luck with your latest business venture
[cough]
you’ll need it
[cough]
Sorry, just had a tickle in my throat there.
Our next tip regards the Bone Cruncher.
The Bone Cruncher will be taking some personal time due to family issues. We’ll be waiting for you when you return. Family is important.
And last up we have…
Hmm? Nothing from Pastor Glanville?
[Off Mic]
Is he dead? No? Just not angry about anything?
Huh…
Are you sure?
Well, in that case, let’s go ahead and head over to the old hollow district and see if we can’t find out what is going on with this new building.
Sorry, I was caught a bit off guard by this unexpected development, or lack thereof.
[Off Mic]
What? He complains a lot!
[Local Business Spotlight segment begins]
Welcome back listeners. We’re here outside of Evenfall Hollow’s latest business addition, this innocuous white building.
It’s not very big honestly, but maybe it doesn’t need to be?
As they say, sometimes big things come in small packages, but I guess we won’t really know, until we get inside and look around.
[Off Mic]
Huh, hey Paul, do you smell that?
Yeah, it does smell grapey, doesn’t it?
Well then, Is everyone ready? Paul? Muffin?
[Sound of metal door opening and closing. “Dark Ambient Emotions music” begins to play]
Upon entering the building, we’re greeted with a small, completely empty reception area that feeds into what I can only call an excessively long hallway.
There is no furniture, no decorative plants, not even any employees…
Just the dull hum of florescent lighting, a heavy sort of thickness to the air, and a muzak rendition of… Is this… WAP?
[hums a bit, and subvocalizes lyrics]
“Macaroni in a pot… Oooh Macaroni… Mmmmm”]
Anyhow listeners, I don’t really know how to describe what we’re seeing.
The walls are a creamy beige eggshell, with no wall paper patterning or anything, save for the large, black serif font in the reception area that simply reads “We work”.
The carpet on the other hand, is the exact same pattern as the cloth interior of a 1998 Acura Integra LS.
[Off Mic]
No Paul, I’m sure.
The GSR had leather.
True, but the SE was the GSR interior in the…
you know what? It’s not important.
Let’s continue on and see if we can find an employee. We can’t have an interview without an interviewee, right?
Well listeners, I expect this is going to be a bit of a walk as I can’t seem to see the other end of the hallway, just an increasingly dark halo the further down the hallway you look.
I’m honestly a bit hungry, and would really just prefer to turn around and get a bite, but well, the door we entered through, now appears to be… Missing.
So, we’re just gonna cut to a word from our sponsors while we navigate this uhh… Well, It’s not a labyrinth, it’s just a straight line who’s only purpose is to spend forever leading the way to something else.
It’s like if a building were a commercial.
[Off mic]
What’s that Paul?
A Liminal space?
What would I do without you Paul? I mean that. You too Muffin.
We’ll be back right after these messages.
[Local Sponsor Message Segment begins. “The Celtic life” begins to play]
I don’t know about you, but when I sit down at a restaurant, I want to be comfortable. I want to feel like I belong.
Am I getting an Oil change? Then why you got all these license plates and gas station signs all over the place?
And I don’t want none of those tiki torches, palm trees, or south-western adjacent tile patterns and hues on the tables neither.
Bright colors make me feel insecure, you know, sexually.
I want an atmosphere that is basically an Applebee’s, but with enough vaguely Irish styling and naming cues that I get what they’re going for, but it’s not so foreign that I become baselessly fearful that it’s here to take our jobs.
This is ‘Merica, don’t get me confused.
I want employees unreasonably covered in personal pieces of flair.
I mean weighed down with such an unimaginable amount of flair, that their suspenders sag under the load.
Are they so encumbered, that it’s almost like they’re carrying a baby?
Two babies?
Well, that’s a good start.
I basically want your life story and a list of your greatest fears and triumphs, but told to me entirely with vintage pins, because I want to know who I’m talking to.
You see, to enjoy a good meal, I need to feel like I know the staff well enough that I could kill a man in a hunting accident, come in, sober up with a Monte Cristo, and then not feel awkward asking the hostess to help me hide the body.
I need a Bennigan’s.
Now hold on, I think all that flair and suspender stuff is actually TGI Fridays.
Well, how about a green shirt then? Green’s Irish, isn’t it?
I want good old American food, and that means fried, but I want just a bit of Irish garnish on it, like a whiskey themed sauce, or an O and an apostrophe before its name on the menu.
I don’t want potatoes. I want Deep fried O’broccoli.
Hell, I want my steak deep fried too, because nothing says vaguely Irish like a big cut of fried steak and domestic American lager on tap.
And while I’m eating, I want my colon to quiver in fear at what I’m doing to myself, and I want to have to stop at a gas station bathroom on my way home too.
And when I see the fearful and pained grimaces of the gas station employees as I leave the restroom, I want them to know exactly where I had lunch.
And I want them to have a hose, because we’re all gonna need it.
If you’re with me, well, then I’ll see you at Bennigan’s.
[“The Celtic Life” ends]
[Local Business Spotlight segment continues. “Dark Ambient Emotions Music” begins to play]
Welcome back listeners.
We’re still here in this Liminal space, and we’ve been walking for what seems like hours, and well, I’m not really sure we’ve actually gone anywhere.
Of note, as we have been walking, both Paul and I have seen odd flashes in the corner of our vision, like shadows, but they’re gone the moment we turn to look at them.
There was another time where I swear, I ran into something or someone that was wearing entirely too much Polo Sport cologne, but there was nobody there when I looked. It was like walking through a high school full of ghosts.
Muffin too, has taken to stopping every now and then and just staring intently at some fixed point in space before erupting in a fit of angry hisses, only to then resume her walk moments later as if nothing had happened.
Cats, am I right?
Well at least we have a decent soundtrack.
[subvocalized humming of WAP]
Oh, Paul, do you smell that? I think I smell… A Monte Cristo?
[Off Mic]
No, Paul, I’m not having a stroke… I said a Monte Cristo, not burnt toast or cinnamon rolls.
Ooh, cinnamon rolls.
But seriously, just smell.
Listeners! After walking who knows how far, we’re starting to get a whiff of what I am now confident, is the smell of a Monte Cristo.
For anyone not familiar, a Monte Cristo is a sandwich made from a thick bread, either Brioche or even French toast if you’re fancy.
You add in some tender ham, roast turkey, some swiss and American cheese, and then listeners, you deep fry it, cover it in powdered sugar, and dip it in raspberry jam.
[Off Mic]
Don’t look at me like I’m a monster Paul.
Oh! Listeners, there is a door in the distance. It is the same type of red metal door as the one we entered through, with the same “yes, we’re open” sign hanging on it.
It feels as if we’ve been walking forever, but I think we’re finally here… Wherever here is… Are you Ready Paul? Muffin?
[sound of door opening and closing. “The Celtic Life” begins to play]
Green vinyl booths…
Inoffensive parquet flooring…
Miscellaneous Irish tchotchkes on the wall…
Paul… I think we’re in a Bennigan’s!
Oh, Paul, look over there! Do you know what that is!?
Yes Paul.
That. Is. A. Monte Cristo!
I’m pretty sure you owe me a dollar. But later. I’m starving now, so let’s dig in! I…
Oh… Listeners, Susan Parket also appears to be having a quiet lunch at the Bennigan’s…
[Off Mic]
Hi Susan!
Oh, your lunch looks delicious!
A Turkey O’toole? The one on the pretzel bun?
Oh, That sounds lovely.
Hey uhh Susan. That booth over there with the Monte Cristo… Is it free by chance?
Oh, wonderful!
Come on Paul, it’s time for lunch.
[sounds of noisy eating]
[Off mic]
Paul… Put that down… Eat your chicken.
[Audio fades momentarily as Paul puts down his Boom and eats]
Phew. I am stuffed.
And Paul I must say, you really put a hurt on that Danny boy chicken.
Even Muffin cleaned her plate. Finn’s Beer battered fish & Chips never stood a chance, did it girl?
[pained sigh]
I am just miserable now. I think I just need a minute or two to rest, and then we’ll pay the…
Huh.
Umm who do we get the check from?
No, it’s just a long wall of text printed on tiny font on copy paper. I…
I dunno, it says something about terms and conditions.
Well, I’m sure they’ll be out in a sec. I’m just gonna close my eyes for a moment and….
[On the streets with muffin segment begins. “The Celtic life” suddenly stops]
[Phil suddenly wakes up with a start]
Paul? Muffin? Where are we?
It’s… oh…
Is this… Is this the old bus stop? But the Bennigan’s…
No, we definitely ate at a Bennigan’s. You still have Irish Whiskey glaze on your shirt.
[sound of distant bells]
Uh oh Paul. Did you hear that? Yeah, the fog is almost here. We should probably…
[Off Mic, whispered]
Oh. Paul Did you hear that? No no no. Point the boom over in that direction.
[Sound of a howling monster and disembodied whispers, chattering grinding teeth]
[Phil whispers]
Yeah, that’s… That’s what I thought I heard. Let’s just turn that boom back over this way, and uh…
Listeners, the dark eyed children that lurk in the woods by the bus stop have caught the scent of the Irish Whiskey glaze on Paul’s shirt… and they are beginning to surround us.
There is one child, perhaps their leader, who stands ahead of the rest.
They are gnashing their many teeth hungrily and staring directly at me with dark, obsidian eyes…
For everyone listening to this broadcast, now is a great time to share some simple wilderness survival tips.
When faced with a predatory animal in the wild, or in this case, a demonic presence that plans to do to you, what you just did to a Monte Cristo, it is important to make yourself appear as large as possible.
Maintain eye contact with the leader of the pack, in this case, this stout and very hungry one approaching me here, and in a loud firm voice, tell the animal “No.”
“No.”
[Demonic scream in reply]
[Phil replies in a decidedly hesitant tone]
…”no?”
Okay… Uh… Don’t panic.
[Off Mic]
Hey uh, Paul, I know this started something last time, but do you perchance… Have a snickers in your…
[Demonic scream interrupts]
Uhh… Never mind.
Well, listeners, I would just like to say, as Paul and I are backing slowly up against the walls of the Bus stop here, that I have been honored to have been able to share a bit of my lovely town with you.
We’ve had some laughs, we’ve had some delicious sandwiches, and…
And Paul, It has been a real treat working with you. Don’t ever change.
And Muffin…. Muffin?
I…
[Colossal-growl followed be fearful shrieks]
Muffin?
Was that you?
Oh, oh, you need to clean your hams now? Fair enough, Muffin, we’ll talk later.
[sigh of relief]
So, uh, do you think this counts for our “Muffin on the street” segment?
[“City Funk” begins to play}
I mean she pretty much just foretold their deaths if they didn’t leave, right?
I’ll be honest, I didn’t really know she could do that.
Huh.
Well, listeners, I’m Phil, and with me is my production assistant Paul and our office cat Muffin, and along with the rest of the town of Evenfall Hollow, we wish you a good night.
[Off Mic]
Hey uh, Paul? Is it just me, or are you starting to feel a little hungry again?
[End of Episode @17:23]
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A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney