Original Release Date: 2025.04.15
Sleep is important, but not as important as a warm bowl of fruit and cream oatmeal. Also, we get the scoop on Craig’s Quick Bite Convenience store and its recent string of hauntings.
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Sonic Drive-in
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Mayor Brimley: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction Jingle:
“Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Sonic Drive-in:
“Fast Food” by Octosound
Craigs Quick Bite Convenience Store:
“The Ghost of Shepard’s Pie” by Geoffrey Burch
On The Streets With Muffin:
“City Funk” by Alana Jordan
Coffee and Hotdogs Episode Transcript
[Introduction segment begins. “Good morning” plays.]
[long, drawn out sigh, and a noisy sip of coffee.]
[Phil talks in a haggard, exhausted tone]
Hello everyone.
I’m Phil from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism. I’m here with my production assistant…
[Mothman trill]
Zip it Mothman!
I’m here with my Production Assistant Paul and we’re…
[Loud sounds of cat cleaning themselves]
MUFFIN C’MON! DOES CLEANING YOUR HAMS HAVE TO SOUND LIKE YOU’RE RIDING A WOODCHIPPER!?
[sigh]
I’m sorry everyone.
It’s been a few days since I got a good night’s sleep, and I’m…
I’m not feeling my best.
PAUL, COME ON! HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE USING A STRAW!?
[Loud sounds of drinking something from a straw]
[Deep breathing]
I’m sorry Paul that wasn’t meant for you. I’m just…
[Long series of yawns]
Let’s just get things going.
[Sips coffee]
[Says next line in an exhausted monotone]
So yeah, Evenfall Hollow is great. We have great stuff, you’ll love it, come see us. Yada yada.
Let’s go ahead and move to the news.
[Happenings in the Hollow Segment Begins. “Dynamic Flow” begins to play]
Happenings in the Hollow. You know the drill. We talk about Events and news from the community… You become enamored with our quaint little town, etc etc.
Yeah…
So, our first tip comes from…. Ugh… Helen Akerman. Helen is…
[sounds of subvocalized reading of “the comments you made during your last broadcast were very hurtful and…]
Okay. So, Helen is unhappy with my comments from last week.
She writes that she tries very hard to… No… You know what?
I mean Damn it, Helen! You made a mayo cake with miracle whip and then added pickles for flavor – The wrong flavor!
Your Apple brown betty uses brown gravy, and cilantro is not a traditional part of pumpkin spice!
But you know what, I’m not the arbiter of baked goods Helen. If people want to come all the way to our town just to die from choking on a bone from one of your “cheese” Danishes, they’re free too.
But you know, I’ve agreed one time with Pastor Glanville, and that was when he said your muffins were a streusel dusted abomination. I…
[Deep breaths]
Thank you very much for your tip Helen.
Our next tip comes from… Oh look it’s from Pastor Glanville. He’s angry about something. What’s new? Why don’t you calm him down with a muffin, Helen!?
[Subvocalized grumbling, sip of coffee]
Our next tip is about business. We have several reports from residents about a collapse in the downtown area of Evenfall Hollow. Reports seem to indicate that the three newly completed Dollar General buildings were actually in fact, composed almost entirely of rats standing atop one another like a cheerleading pyramid.
The collapse apparently began just moments after the Ribbon cutting ceremony, as the ribbon was apparently load-bearing.
After the collapse, the rats scattered in all directions in what onlookers claimed was a chaotic, cacophony of panicked squeals.
There has been one fatality, that of local resident Susan Parket, who was killed in the confusion as she attempted to purchase an electric panini maker that makes Panini’s 82% the size of a standard panini, but in a device that costs 38% more than one sold elsewhere.
Tough Luck Susan, better luck tomorrow.
Several residents have noted however that if you can track down one of the rats, they will still sell you a tiny bar of Irish Spring Soap, at above market prices.
Our final tip comes from…
[Off mic]
What’s that Paul?
No, Paul, I… I read the whole thing.
Yeah, holding a tiny Panini maker.
Well, no, of course I’m sad, everyone loves Susan, but it’s just gonna happen again tomorrow, right? Because it happens almost every day.
The falcon and the sombrero incident doesn’t ring any bells? No?
What about the ceiling fan and the party bucket of Red Vines? Still nothing?
[Slow inhale]
You don’t remember any of it then?
Fine. No, no, you’re right.
To the friends and family of Susan Parket, we offer our condolences. Now get her a helmet or something.
[Off Mic]
What?
Okay, final tip. So…
No, you know what? never mind.
We’re just gonna cut to our next segment because this one is boring.
So, the mayor has been raving about our broadcast. He’s been so happy about things, that he’s asked if he can join in once in a while.
Well, you know what? That’s just great. I’d love a nap, and he’s the one paying our salaries, so I think now is a wonderful time. I’m just gonna take my mic and…
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul?
A letter?
Oh…. A Letter. As in, no nap because I have to read it.
Hey Paul? Is the mayor sick?
No?
So, he can talk?
Uh huh…
But he wrote a letter instead.
Oookay… Oh, oh, because he liked my impression of him.
Well, isn’t that sweet? [sarcasm]
[long suffering sigh]
Fine. It’s fine, everything is fine. Give me the letter.
Ahem. Okay Paul, play the music.
[Letter voiced as Mayor Brimley. Bed music “Sunny Bossa Nova Jazz” begins]
Hi. I’m Mayor Brimley.
You know, you don’t have to be a genius to know that the more a kid likes the taste of oatmeal, the more they’re gonna eat. That’s why fruit and cream oatmeal comes in four real good flavors like Peaches and cream, Bananas, and Strawberry.
Well Evenfall Hollow wants to be your oatmeal, and we’ve got a lot of flavors to accommodate every taste.
Now naturally, you can’t eat a town, and you can’t make a town taste like peaches and cream. I’m not an idiot. If you thought I could, well, then maybe you’re an idiot, and Evenfall Hollow needs another idiot like my heart needs excess sodium. It doesn’t.
But you’re not an idiot, you’re smart. You know what a simile is, so don’t waste my time making me explain it.
And what part of a town would even taste like peaches?
Explain to me that scenario. What, are you gonna lick a window? Eat a mailbox? Is that what you’re planning to do when you get here you sicko?
What I mean to say is this town, a town that is as dear to my heart as soluble fiber, has a lot to offer.
Maybe Peaches and cream is like our quiet, noble solitude.
Perhaps bananas is our beautiful fall leaves and pristine streams.
What I mean to ask, is do you fish?
Of course, you fish. A man’s gotta fish, or he’s not much of a man, now is he?
Maybe our strawberries and cream is our diverse wildlife.
Oh, you don’t like strawberries? You got something against Vitamin C and folate?
Anyhow, we’re talking about wildlife. Keep up.
You know I saw a Bigfoot once? Wasn’t that big. More of a medium foot I reckon.
And there’s blueberry. You thought I forgot about blueberry, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t.
I’m plenty sharp up here, just like a tack.
But I don’t much care for blueberries. You probably like em just fine though, don’t you?
Someone that likes blueberries would be the kind of person that would just immediately jump to the conclusion that I’m just a doddering old man, well you listen here.
[“Sunny Bossa Nova Jazz” stops playing. Voicing reverts to Phil.]
Hey Paul?
How many more pages is this?
How many!?
[long suffering sigh]
Let me see em.
[subvocalized reading for several seconds]
[“Sunny Bossa Nova Jazz” begins again.]
Okay, so the rest of the letter basically says… Well, wait, all these pages are cooking directions for oatmeal!
Umm there’s a page describing how using quick oats over old fashioned will make you burn in hell…
[Off Mic]
Paul, we’re gonna have to go get some lunch or something after this. I’m already snacky and 90% of this is about oatmeal. I mean look at this part:
On page 32, he writes: “Grits and Malt-o-Meal are not oatmeal. They wish they were, but they aren’t.”
Ohhhhh Malt-o-Meal…
Hey Paul, have you ever done the chocolate malt-o-meal and vanilla ice cream thing?
What? Never?
What about the cream of wheat pancakes from IHOP? You know, it’s like a normal pancake, but with a scab on the bottom?
Seriously?
No, it’s… Well… It’s kind of like off brand malt-o-meal. Or is it the name brand?
Okay, that’s it. Paul we’re getting something to eat. I’m tired, I’m snacky, and I’ve been talking about food for 20 minutes.
What?
[Long suffering sigh]
You’re right, you’re right. Wait, really? Only two minutes?
Okay, let’s see…
Three pages about porridge, a rant about congee, and then a whole big section about Aliens, Atlantis, a swimming pool…
Okay, so, Listeners, Oatmeal helps lower cholesterol, Store-brand grits will give you erectile disfunction, and Evenfall Hollow has a swimming pool that makes you younger.
You heard it here first.
We’re gonna grab lunch and we’ll be back for the local spotlight.
[“Sunny Bossa Nova Jazz” ends]
[“Local Business Spotlight segment begins” @10:37]
The world is out to get me.
I mean, what are the chances that Rhonda’s would be closed today of all days?
Well of course I’m alive Paul, I just. Oh. We’re live.
Okay. Ahem.
[“The Ghost of Shepard’s Pie” begins]
For this episode’s local business spotlight, we’re here at Craig’s Quick Bite Convenience store.
While we’re here, we’ll look into the recent reports of hauntings and other unexplained phenomena here, as well as see just what it’s like behind the wheel of one of the Hollow’s most popular stops.
Before we dig into the meat of things though, I’m just gonna go and sneak over and grab a coffee from this machine over here.
Oh.
There’s a sign on the machine that just says “Haunted” written in black sharpie.
Well then, I guess I’ll just be fancy and grab one of the French vanilla espressos from the other…
Oh. It’s haunted as well.
Well, fine. I’ll just grab an energy drink.
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul?
The cash register is haunted?
What kind of ghost haunts a cash register? Did Warren Buffet die?
Well, what… What isn’t haunted in this place?
Uh-huh… So, the bathroom’s not haunted, but it’s for customers only. But I can’t be a customer, because Craig can’t ring me up, because the…
No. You know what? I’m starting to think there aren’t any ghosts here at all, Craig.
I think you’re just really lazy. I mean look at this floor. Is your mop haunted?
Yeah, I said it.
Oh, oh, there really is a ghost? Lots of them?
Well, what about this hot dog, Craig? Is there a ghost in this hotdog? Yeah?
[Bites into hotdog and moans in ecstasy. Continues talking while chewing]
Well fine, we’re leaving! C’mon Paul.
Here’s a few bucks for your hot dog Craig, but watch out, its haunted! Wooooooooooo.
[sound of door closing]
I’m fine Paul. I’m fine.
I’m just…
[Groan]
I’m so tired…
It’s like the more tired I get, the less… Anything make sense. I mean…
[Sounds of loud, juicy chewing, along with moans of pleasure]
Oh, this hotdog is really good. I wonder where they get them?
Actually… I wonder where they get anything here? I mean, their stock’s always full, but I’ve never seen a delivery truck, ever.
For that manner, I… Don’t… Don’t stare at me like I’m crazy Paul. Have you ever seen one?
Well, if they have to have come by, why hasn’t anyone seen one – ever?
What, are they delivered by aliens? So, we’re THAT town now? We have a Mothman, and Aliens deliver our hot dogs?
I don’t have the hairstyle for that kind of show!
No, I’m not being silly Paul, you’re being silly!
[Eating sounds]
Oh, this hotdog… Maybe aliens did deliver it. It’s out of this world…
Hey, shut up Paul, I can make Puns if I want to!
Nope, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just tell you to shut up. Here, you want a bite?
Mmhmm. See what I mean?
Well, our interview didn’t really go as long as we’d planned, so we got a bit of extra time… Who wants a nap?
Ugh fine. I guess I’ll cut to a message from our local sponsor or something while I get more coffee.
[More Nosiy eating sounds]
Oh, this hotdog…
[Local Sponsor segment begins. “Fast Food” begins to play.]
At Sonic, we know you love our half price drinks during happy hour, because nothing cools you down on a hot day like a shake or a slush.
We also know that you love our amazing pebble ice.
So much in fact, that many of our stores will sell you a bag to take home. And that got us thinking.
You know who else loves ice? The organ transplant industry.
That’s because pebble ice has a soft, crunchy texture that won’t bruise a kidney, while still keeping it fresh and succulent.
But maybe we’re not aiming high enough.
I mean, why are we even wasting our time with coneys and tots? If our delicious pebble ice is good enough for a kidney, then why not a heart? And if its good enough for a heart, then why not rise up and conquer death itself?
Coming soon to participating locations, each happy hour purchase of a Route 44 drink will earn you immortality points.
Reach 100 points, and we’ll cryogenically freeze your body in pebble ice at one of our many convenient locations until they find a cure for the diabetes you’ve more than likely given yourself by drinking ridiculous amounts of soda.
That’s right. While every 44oz soda edges you closer to the abyss, thanks to our new points system, you’ll be able to laugh into it when you get there.
So, laugh, laugh with the hubris of a human who has conquered the natural order of existence.
Sonic. America’s Drive-in.
[“Fast Food” ends]
[Begin “On the streets with Muffin” Segment. “City Funk” begins to play.]
[Phil has had too much coffee and is talking a mile a minute.]
Well, we’re on the street with our office cat Muffin, and I am absolutely topped off with way too much espresso, and I don’t know about you Paul, but I’m itching to get started… I…
[Off Mic]
What’s that Paul?
Slow down?
Oh gotcha.
[Begins again, but painfully slow in speaking]
We’re getting started on another episode of…
[Off Mic]
Oh, now that’s too slow? Well, You’re just impossible to please today, Paul.
[Continues at normal speed]
We’re here for everyone’s favorite segment “On the Streets with Muffin.”
[Off Mic]
There, you happy Paul?
Are you ready to do your thing Muffin?
[Muffin meows]
Well, Muffin seems eager, and it looks like she’s already chosen a participant.
It’s an older gentleman with a bright red bow-tie and suspenders, and he is standing by one of those…
Ohhh Paul! It’s one of those old timey popcorn machines!
Hello sir, my name is Phil from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and…
Oh my, that smells absolutely delicious.
Yes, yes, I’d love some popcorn.
[Noisy crunching of popcorn, moans of pleasure]
Paul, you gotta try this. It’s amazing.
[Crunching]
You know, you look awfully familiar…
[Continues with mouth full]
mmhmm, mmhmmm…
Whole life dedicated to popcorn. It shows! Ahem
I’m sorry Muffin I got a bit distracted there.
Sir, this is our office cat Muffin, and she can foretell your death. Care to give it a go?
Oh, Muffin is happy to hear that.
Yep, just like that.
Huh… Listeners, this is unusual. There are generally a lot of screams by this point…
[Sounds of eating popcorn]
But this gentleman is just grinning wider and wider.
He’s taken his hand off of Muffin, flashed me an excited smile, and with a quick adjustment of his bow-tie, he’s skipped off down the road with a whistle, leaving his old timey popcorn machine sitting right here in the street.
Well, he was certainly someone who sees the silver lining in things, and I don’t know about you Paul, but I’m seeing a silver lining to this big vat of fresh buttery popcorn.
[Crunching sounds]
What?
Well listeners, I am absolutely full of carbs, nitrates, and caffeine, and I don’t know why I didn’t just do this before the broadcast, because I feel absolutely great.
I feel like I just have enough energy to…
[Sounds of heavy snoring]
[“City Funk” fades out]
[End of episode 18:16]
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A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney