Original Release Date: 2025.04.01
As a premiere tourist destination, we can assure you, the town of Evenfall Hollow does not have a Mothman problem. Also, we get local resident Pastor Glanville’s thoughts on the town’s newest vegan restaurant.
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Theranos
Show Notes
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction Jingle:
“Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
Theranos Bed Music:
“Medical background music” by hitslab https://www.youtube.com/@hitslabmusic
House of Seitan BG:
“Indian Music Loop Hope Mantra” by Dvir Silver
On The Streets With Muffin:
“City Funk” by Alana Jordan
Mothman Problems Episode Transcript
[”Good morning” Intro music plays @1:38]
[Introduction Segment Begins]
Hello future visitors and neighbors, and welcome once again to Evenfall Hollow!
I’m Phil from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and along with my production assistant Paul, and our office cat muffin, we’re here to serve up another rich and decadent slice of life here in the Hollow.
We’ll talk about our wondrous history, our captivating lore, and..
[Mothman shriek and flapping wings]
[said slightly louder, like talking over someone]
And also, about how we absolutely do not have a Mothman problem.
You might, but we don’t.
In fact, I quote Bob Villa when I say “handle the Mothman in your own home before pointing fingers at the Mothman, or LACK thereof, in this Old house.”
[Off mic]
What’s that Paul? He didn’t say that?
Well, I’m pretty sure he did Paul, I mean he had a whole show about it, look it up.
Uh-huh… Yeah? Well let’s just agree to disagree.
Anywaaaaays listeners, there was never a Mothman inside anyone’s home, and it certainly didn’t abduct a dozen cats from the Flintridge house.
That would be ridiculous.
It was maybe 6, if even that many, and let’s be honest; they weren’t very friendly anyhow.
Besides, that house disappeared and became a large wheat field overnight, so really, with all of the evidence as well as the gruesome crime scene having disappeared, we no longer have a Mothman problem.
That’s just science.
[Off mic]
What’s that Paul?
It’s always been a wheat field? No, it…
Uhhuh… Hmm.
Well, I haven’t been sleeping very well lately, so maybe I’m mixing a few things up.
But enough about the Mothman and his majestic buttocks.
Here at the Evenfall Board of Tourism, we were really surprised, and frankly overwhelmed by the reaction we got from our inaugural broadcast. Ever since it aired, we’ve had just a ton of new arrivals to our sleepy little hamlet.
We thought it fitting then, to talk to some of these new arrivals and see how they like it here.
Hello, sir?
Hi my name is Phil, from the…
Uh-huh. Well this is… This… Yeah… Umm. This is the town of Evenfall Hollow. Yeah… uh-huh…
Listeners, this man is very distraught, and claims to have woken up at the old bus stop on the outskirts of town. While he remembers his name, he has no memory of his past, or even where he came from.
And on that note, this seems like it would be a great time to discuss the importance of drinking responsibly.
You see, while alcohol… uh-huh. Well, if that’s how you feel, then go right ahead sir, but nothing is going to get better until you admit you have a problem!
Well, he’s, he’s walked away, so I guess he just isn’t ready for that step yet. Let’s move on to the local news.
[Dynamic Flow Bed Music begins]
[Happenings in the Hollow Segment begins @4:10]
At the request of a few of our local residents, we thought we’d cover some of the local news around Evenfall Hollow in a segment we’re calling “Happenings in the Hollow”.
We’re more than just our wonderful local attractions and playful puppy population, you know.
Our first tip comes from…
[Annoyed groan]
Helen Akkerman.
[Phil reads the following in a very snarky and annoyed tone]
Helen writes “After plenty of local feedback, I will be opening the doors to my local bakery this week to serve the people of Evenfall Hollow.
Everything will be freshly baked using my personal recipes, and..”
You know what? I’m gonna stop right there, and just say “Nope”.
Next up is…
[Off mic]
What’s that Paul?
No, I don’t think I was too mean.
Have you ever had one of her muffins?
[said with emphasis]
Helen, your baking is bad, and you should feel bad.
In other news, we have a quick note from the mayor about the upcoming Dollar General Stores in the Hollow.
All three stores are hiring… One applicant.
Hold on a moment. No, it just says one. Hmm.
So, the applicant will work all positions in all three stores simultaneously and in perpetuity. Under salary, all that is written is the word “no.”
Hmm. Well congratulations and good luck to everyone who applies.
Moving on, we have… Hmm Rosa from the Evenfall Orphanage.
Rosa writes: “Owls Love Bananas.”
Good to know. Thank you, Rosa. And I hope you local ornithologists are out there are taking notes.
Next up is an update from Brandon of Brandon’s Fuel and small Engine.
Brandon writes:
“To the government agents who stopped and idled in front of my Gas station in a Black, 92 Toyota Tercel last night: This shop is private property, and I have the constitutional right to shoot anyone who crosses onto my property, without warning. I have a sign out for a reason! You’re not putting any chips in my brain or taking any of my guns, you hear me federals? Also, Windshield Wiper fluid is buy-one-get-one free on Wednesdays.”
Huh.
I thought the only running vehicle in the Hollow was that black limousine. You know, the one that drives down main street every now and then and abducts children before vanishing into the mist?
Well, leave it to Toyota to prove me wrong.
Our final tip comes from several residents in town who report sightings of a Moth… Nope. Nope. We’ve been over this.
[Mothman Shriek and sounds of flapping wings]
[Talks over Mothman sounds]
A fabulous tourist destination like Evenfall Hollow, would definitely not have a Mothman problem. It’s far more likely that witnesses simply ate too much spicy food before going to sleep.
[Off mic]
What’s that Paul?
Well, you know what? You sound like a grandma, Paul!
No, no, I don’t mean that. I’m sorry.
[Begin Local Business Spotlight Segment @6:35]
Anywho, in an effort to attract visitors to our quiet country town, We’d like to take a few minutes to show off just how good we have it here in the hollow.
You see, it isn’t just the abundant, beautiful nature that makes things so great here, but also our local business.
To that end, Paul and I thought we would spend a bit of time each broadcast really digging in, and getting to know the great businesses that keep our town running.
For our first spotlight, we’re here at the House of Seitan.
[“Indian Music Loop Hope Mantra” begins to play]
We’re here to sit down with owner Rhonda Blevins, and really grill her about what makes Seitan tick.
Hi Rhonda. Thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule to talk with us.
Oh! Hold on there, you got a little bit of… Yeah, yeah, around the eyes. There you go.
I know I’ve been looking forward to the interview and may I just say, things smell absolutely wonderful in here. I see you even have a customer already.
Listeners, it looks like fellow resident Susan Parket is treating herself to a nice steaming plate of Seitan, and she appears to really be enjoying it.
[Off mic]
You Deserve it Susan, and by the way, I love the sweater!
So, Rhonda, tell us a little bit about your…
Oh. Hold on listeners, it appears Pastor Glanville is on his way over, along with his congregation of blessed and Lord Loving souls.
[Off mic]
I guess we just beat the lunch rush, didn’t we Paul?
Hmm, the pastor seems to be… Yelling something I can’t quite make out, from outside of the building.
Hold on. He is shouting something about self-proclaimed Seitanists, and brimstone? But the rest is hard to make out.
Really though, by the look on his face, I’d say he’s a little hangry.
[Off mic]
Hey uh, Paul, do you have a Snickers?
No, no, I’m not making a comment about your weight.
Paul, Paul. Look at me. LOOK.AT.ME. You look great, and you are great. Now you say it.
Mmhmm.
Don’t you ever doubt yourself, you’re too good for that.
I’m just asking because he seems very hungry, and well, you’re just not you when you’re hungry.
Oh, that is a wonderful idea, Rhonda. By all means, we can wait a little bit. The customer always comes first.
While Rhonda helps the pastor get a bite, how about a word from our local sponsors?
[Local Sponsor Message Segment begins @8:41]
[Voiced in an odd, overly deep voice, like a kid trying to sound like their parents. Gotta nail that Elizabeth Holmes vibe]
[“Medical Background Music” begins to play]
The world is a divisive place. We get it.
In this topsy-turvy existence however, there is one thing we can all agree on: Health is important.
That’s why here at Theranos, we pioneered a revolutionary blood test that with but a single drop of blood, could detect any possible illness or disorder in a matter of seconds.
But then the FDA, and a bunch of other, regulatory narcs, started complaining about things like “safety”, and how our tests, “never worked.”.
If I’m being frank, there were way too many accusations about how we “tried to cover it all up”, or how we “defrauded” investors.
You know, nit-picky stuff like that.
After all of the lawsuits, criminal fraud trials, and the zombie outbreak, we had really started to feel like we had lost sight of our original ethos.
So, we’re going back to our roots, and we’ll begin by addressing all of the shortfalls and complaints about our previous endeavors.
Detecting every illness you can think of? Yeah, maybe it was a bit too big of a claim. This time around? We’re focusing on a single, easily verifiable test: Is it alive?
With our new test, we no longer need to decide if it meets the old criteria for being alive, like response to stimuli, reproduction, or homeostasis.
That’s too many things, and we’re all too busy. Having babies to get out of prison time takes a lot of work you know.
But wait, there’s more.
Now, if you’ll remember, another key point our critics latched on to, was the lack of blood.
“It’s impossible to test for anything with just a single drop of blood.” They said over and OVER.
Fine. You want blood? We got you. We’ll use so much blood, it’ll rain from the skies and flow through the streets.
You’ll just be able to ladle it up and test for whatever when we’re done, we don’t care, we already got our fee.
But how could we possibly get that much blood? We’ve partnered with a group that knows all about making things bleed: the NRA.
All you have to do is pull up to one of our regional collection sites located around the valley with the item or loved one you’d like to test, and one of our under-trained technicians will come out and shoot wildly in your general direction.
In 3-6 weeks, you’ll receive your results, and your family can move on with their lives.
Are you happy now FDA?
As an added bonus, if any persons or items not included in the test are hit in the ensuing rain of bullets, you’ll get those test results as well, at no additional fee.
Theranos.
What will you do with all that extra blood?
[“Indian Music Loop Hope Mantra” begins to play @11:27]
And now, let’s get back to Rhonda and see how the Pastor is enjoying his meal.
Eh… What the…
[Off mic]
Paul what’s happened here?
Uh-huh. Mmhmm. Really…?
Oh.. Okay… So Listeners, it appears we that we have a bit of a kerfuffle here in the house of Seitan.
From what I’m hearing, the Pastor, when presented with what I was told was an absolutely ravishing plate of Rhonda’s fermented Black Garlic Seitan, erupted in a string of profanities.
After a heated exchange, the Pastor reportedly flung his plate of seitan, scattering the sumptuous feast all across Susan Parket’s white cardigan, and shattering an adjacent window.
Susan, obviously distressed by the ordeal, quietly dipped the corner of her napkin into her water and began to gently dab her sweater. “It’s alright” she said quietly as she continued to dab at the stains.
That Susan, always a trooper.
So, the pastor is continuing his tirade and…
[“Indian Music Loop Hope Mantra” abruptly stops]
[Mothman shriek and flapping wings]
Oh no! Susan!
Listeners, it appears that something that is almost certainly NOT the Mothman, has suddenly burst through the damaged window and spirited away with a screaming Susan Parket.
Listeners, I don’t know what fate awaits Susan as the NOT Mothman carries her away into the sky, but to the friends and family of Susan Parket, we offer our heartfelt condolences.
We have also received a letter from congress offering thoughts and prayers. So yeah, everything is fixed now. Good as new, right?
[“Indian Music Loop Hope Mantra” begins to play]
Well, perhaps not for the Pastor.
It seems that the sudden appearance of the NOT Mothman has taken the wind from the Pastor’s sails. Both the pastor and his congregation of blessed, and lord loving souls have turned and hurried off towards the church in a terrified silence, leaving Rhonda alone to stare in disbelief.
So, I think the lesson we’ve learned today listeners, is that if you’re craving a good, nutritious meal, why not pay a visit to the House of Seitan. The food, cleanliness, and service, are all 5 stars.
Just maybe don’t choose a window seat.
[“City Funk” begins to play]
[Start of “On the Streets with Muffin” Segment @13:19]
And now, on to our final segment.
After the wonderful response last week, listeners like you have told us you need more Muffin in your lives, and who are we to refuse?
So, listeners, without further ado, allow me to once again introduce Muffin!
Muffin?
[Off mic]
Paul? Where did she go?
Oh. Oh! Hold on, there she is. She seems to have found our new visitor from earlier. Let’s go see if he’s sobered up any.
Huh. Well, the man has begun screaming the words “no” repeatedly after giving Muffin a head pat, and after letting out an agonizing scream, he’s run off into the forest.
[Off mic]
Sir! Sir! The liquor store is the other direction…
Oh well, I guess he’s just taking in our town at his own pace.
Oh, but, but hold on. Listeners, I’m not sure if I… No, no, it definitely is.
Listeners, Susan Parket appears to have survived her ordeal with the NOT Mothman. She is walking in our direction and appears to be unharmed.
Susan!
Listeners, Susan has finally made it over to us. She looks a little exhausted, and is clearly holding entirely too much tension in her glutes, but she appears mostly unscathed, at least physically.
I feel like this is a good time to remind everyone, including you, the listener, to be kind and understanding to retail and food service employees.
It is easy to view a perceived sleight as intentional, even purposeful, but I beg you all to take a moment to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before you act.
We’re all strangers until we choose not to be. Instead of throwing plates, we should throw our words, and talk over our problems.
When you rely on a NOT Mothman to settle your arguments, well, you’ve already lost.
Huh, where did Susan go?
[Mothman shriek and flapping wings]
Well, I guess it doesn’t matter.
But Paul, If, if I could have a moment…
[“City Funk” Stops playing]
A gentleman admits when he is wrong, and I… I Was wrong.
Certain… Events…
[Mothman shriek and flapping wings]
…Are really starting to… Make me think we have a Mothman problem.
So, you were right… And I… Was wrong.
Shall we bury the ol’ hatchet over a plate of Seitan, my treat?
[“City Funk” begins playing]
Well, listeners, I suppose this is the end of another rousing broadcast from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism.
I am your host Phil, and along with my production assistant Paul, and our office cat Muffin, we…
[Off mic]
Umm… Paul, do you see Muffin?
Listeners, we appear to have lost track of…
Oh! Wait, no, there she is.
Huh, it looks like Muffin’s dragging over something large. I can’t… I can’t quite tell what it is, but it looks like… Huh… Listeners, Muffin has just brought me what appears to be… The Mothman.
[Off mic]
Wow, I’m really, really glad I apologized to you Paul, because if I hadn’t, boy would I have egg on my face! And good job Muffin. I know a certain kitty that’s coming with us to get some delicious Seitan, yes, she is.
Oops hold still, hold still… Yeah, you’ve got a little Mothman on your chin.
Oh. There we go.
Well listeners, Paul and I are gonna to go find a couple of Hefty bags and some wet wipes to clean this mess up, and we’ll see you next time.
Until then Listeners, Muffin, my Production Assistant Paul and I, wish you a good night from the town of Evenfall Hollow, the town that no longer has a Mothman problem.
[Mothman shriek and flapping wings]
Damn it.
[End of Episode: 16:43]
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A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney