Original release date: 2025.03.15
Do you need a break from the hectic pace of modern life? Do you just need to unplug for a while? Why not visit the town of Evenfall Hollow? We have leaves, a dog park, and a cat named Muffin who can foretell your death.
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: Juicero, Rhonda’s House of Seitan and Vegan Cornucopia
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction Jingle: “Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Burlesque Audition Music:
“The Best Jazz Club in New Orleans” by Paolo Argento
Main Bed Music:
“Night in Rio Bossa Nova” by William King
Juicero background music:
“Horror Background Tension #6” by DELOSound
House of Seitan background music:
“Ethnic Music” Author unknown.
On The Streets With Muffin
“City Funk” by Alana Jordan
Welcome to Evenfall Hollow episode Transcript
[Intro Jingle “Relaxed inspiration” plays]
[Phil Speaks]
Are you tired of the hustle and bustle of modern life?
Do you just want to get away from it all, and relax in the cozy atmosphere of a small town so secluded in the autumnal valley, that none of its residents are even sure a world exists outside of it?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then might I suggest a visit to the lovely town of…
[Pause]
Evenfall Hollow?
[Intro Jingle ends]
Hi, I’m Phil from the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, and I’m here to tell you why our wonderful town is perfect for your next getaway.
We are family friendly, ecologically minded, and the only small town that has a cat on the payroll that can foretell your death.
But that’s just the beginning.
So, why not follow along with me while I tell you about everything our lovely town has to offer.
Play me on Paul.
[Bed Music: Best jazz club in New Orleans begins]
Do you struggle with…
Hmm…
Hold on Paul.
Yeah, that… That bed music is for my burlesque audition later, and I think for this, I need something a little more relaxed?
Jazzy is fine, just less Moulin Rouge, and more…
Daiquiris by the bus stop?
[Bed music changes to “Night in Tio Bossa Nova”]
Ohh, yeah, that’s nice.
Thank you, Paul.
Although now, I really want a daiquiri.
But first, manners, because apparently, I don’t have any.
Listeners, please say hello to my production assistant Paul.
Everything here would completely derail without him, so everyone please give him a hand.
Go ahead, take a bow Paul. There we go.
Alright, I’m gonna start over.
Do you struggle with getting your kids to put down their phones down and be in the moment? Well, here in Evenfall Hollow, we don’t have any sort of internet to speak of.
No towers.
No google.
Just a large man named Carl. Ask him a question and he’ll tell you whatever answer he thinks is correct, regardless of his knowledge in a subject.
Fans of Tik-Tok and Facebook will feel right at home.
For everyone else, I suppose you could, I don’t know, climb up a tall hill, turn on your phone, check for a signal, but that might also attract the Babadook or the lady in the white dress.
As an upside, they both love making family memories.
[Bed music stops]
[Off Mic] What’s that Paul? A memory? Singular, not plural…
I’m confused. Why would you…
Uh huh. Oh…
To shreds you say?
Well, that makes sense.
Now where was I?
[Bed Music resumes]
Do you struggle to get away from the office for a day without being hounded by work emails, or being asked to jump in a zoom meeting every 5 minutes?
Did I mention we’re in a bit of a dead zone?
Well, that’s not entirely true. We do get random radio signals every now and then, but it’s usually just blood curdling screams, so AT&T maybe?
So, unless your boss is a falconer, or some kind of carrier pigeon enthusiast, then I’d say you’re in for a nice, quiet weekend. Or longer!
Oh, your boss IS a falconer and has a fleet of carrier pigeons as well?
Well, worry not, because Brandon over at Brandon’s fuel and small engine is a very good shot with his rifle, and he is almost always on his roof.
Now, if you’re the type that enjoys nature, then we welcome you to explore our most abundant resource.
Do you like leaves? We have leaves. Leaves in orange, leaves in… Well, Orange.
But, it’s a very fiery shade of orange.
So vibrant and striking, you probably won’t even notice the retinal bleeding.
Oh…
So you want other colors, like reds, yellows, or some other shade that doesn’t make you fall into a delirium of haunting visions of your own impending doom?
Well, then maybe you aren’t as much of leafer as you claimed, and there is nothing we hate more than a liar. Perhaps you need to work on yourself before planning a vacation.
Evenfall Hollow is also home to some of the most predictable weather around.
Today was a crisp autumn day.
Yesterday was a crisp autumn day.
Tomorrow? You guessed it.
It’s like Groundhog Day, but instead of Bill Murray and Andy Mcdowell, we just sort of have a lot of unintelligible whispers from deep within our mist shrouded forests.
Do you hear them?
They… They want us to come closer…
Yes, just… Just a little bit closer…
That’s it…
Just.
A.
Little…
[Bed Music Stops abruptly]
THAT’S TOO CLOSE!
But enough about our majestic forests.
[Bed Music restarts]
If you’ve had enough of the leaves, and the completely normal, and surely-not-as-malevolent-as-they-seem whispers of nature, might we recommend relaxing at one of our municipal dog parks?
Well, it’s… It’s only really one park, and by park, I mean our town is overrun with wild dogs. So many dogs, in fact, that they have been the leading cause of disappearances among our child and elderly populations 10 years running!
The number of disappearances has been a lot lower than usual though, so either they’ve been hitting the Arby’s, or they’ve learned to use Uber eats.
But hey, a well-fed dog is a friendly dog.
Oh, they’re hungry again? Those mercurial puppies…
Well don’t worry! Just a quick stop over at Craig’s Quick bite Convenience store can net you more than enough jerky and snacks to get you back to your municipally subsidized visitor bungalow with most of your family intact.
Don’t forget to set that deadbolt though. While they haven’t learned how to use doorknobs yet, they do have a lot of free time.
But we’re not just a place to unwind.
Evenfall Hollow is also very business friendly.
Are you just starting out, and need a cost-effective workforce to help you corner the market? Well, Evenfall Hollow’s very own Orphanage has been endorsed by someone named Sarah Huckabee-Sanders for being an excellent source of low-cost workers.
As long as you can do something about those pale, ghostly, hands that keep everyone up at night with their tapping, and their scratching along the outsides of the windows, why, the kids will be so thankful, you probably won’t even have to pay them!
If the idea of child labor leaves a bad taste in your mouth however, we do have other options.
So, how about this?
How about something that looks like a child, but is, in actuality, a demonic beast cursed to roam the ether in search of the warm, succulent souls of the innocent?
If that is more your speed, why not pay a visit to the pale, hollow-eyed “children” down by the old bus-stop on the outskirts of town?
They may wander in the mists and prey on anyone who lets their guard down, but save for the constant gnashing of their sharp and numerous teeth, they’re honestly pretty quiet, and they also don’t have a union!
But wait.
What do they eat with those horrifying maws?
Not your profits, that’s for sure.
To help provide you with a little more of our unique local flavor and history, the Evenfall Tourism Board has authorized us to take you around the town in a series of informative and fun get-to-know-us episodes.
I invite you to join us as I peer deep under the hood of our sleepy town and learn why Evenfall Hollow is the small town you’ll never leave.
[Bed Music stops]
Never want to leave.
[Off Mic]
No? The first one? Ok.
Evenfall Hollow, you’ll never leave.
[Off Mic]
Are you sure? Wait, wait. Ahem.
Evenfall Hollow, it’s a good thing you won’t want to leave.
There we go. Nailed it. High five Paul.
[Sound of Phil giving Paul a high-five]
[Bed Music Begins again]
So, to get things started, we went around town and asked some of our town residents about the things they thought potential visitors ought to know about our town.
We passed around a clipboard at our last town hall meeting, and here is what the people felt you should hear:
Brandon of Brandon’s Fuel and Small Engine writes: “I’m not giving a handwriting sample to the government. That’s how they get you!” Very Insightful Brandon!
Hmm… How about Craig from Craig’s Quick Bite Convenience store: “Bathrooms are for customers only.”
[Phil groans]
Thank you Craig. Always the wordsmith.
Next is Rosa from the Evenfall Hollow Orphanage. Oh, how cute! It looks like everyone got into the spirit of things!
Rosa writes: “I need to dress up like a bunny, so snakes will like me.”
[Off Mic]
Umm Paul, did you read over any of this before you gave it to me? No? Oookay.
Next up we have a long entry here from Pastor Glanville of the Congregation of Baptized and Lord Loving Souls.
The pastor writes: “The fires of eternal damnation lick at each of our heels. Do not run from the flames child, but instead embrace the lord’s grace, else the cinders of your sinful soul will be crushed like an onion beneath Satan’s charred heels and burnt within his vermilion flames. We also serve a Bean supper every Monday and Thursday.”
Mmm mmm. Barbecue and Beans. That sounds great. Next on our list is…
[Off Mic]
Uhh… Paul, is this it? Where is the rest of the responses?
[Inaudible conversation between Paul and Phil]
Uh huh… Okay…
Listeners, it seems that during the townhall meeting, upon finishing his entry in our questionnaire, the Pastor reportedly became incensed by a basket of Helen Akerman’s Harvest Spice muffins.
The pastor began shouting at Helen, and as his rants escalated into a wanton display of disregard for Cottage food handling safety guidelines, and frankly, manners, he began violently hurling muffins and other baked goods that in his words were “Streusel dusted abominations.”
One attendee was mortally wounded.
We offer our heartfelt condolences to the friends and/or family of Susan Parket.
As a Nutritionist, Ms. Parket often spoke of the dangers of refined sugar and simple starches. And we see now the truth of her words.
And now a moment of silence for Susan.
[Bed Music stops]
[Muffin the office cat starts meowing for attention]
[Off Mic]
Muffin, no, stop.
We’re having a moment of silence. It’s for Susan, the one that gave you the rotisserie chicken.
[Muffin continues to meow]
No, you’re not getting any more right now, we’re doing a show.
[Silence]
Sorry Susan. We’re gonna have to make it a New York minute, because we still have a ton to get through. But know that your sensitivity to gluten based blunt trauma and the subsequent banning of Helen Akkerman’s baked goods at future town hall meetings, will make for a safer, and more inclusive atmosphere for those on a keto diet or with gluten intolerance, not to mention a victory for everyone with a sense of taste.
Read a cookbook Helen, geez!
And now a word from our local sponsors.
[Local Sponsor Ad #1]
[Horror Background Tension #6 bed Music begins]
You spent $700 dollars for the chance to experience the freshest juice you had ever tasted.
But then the internet… Found out that the Juicero was basically just the robot version of the rage filled hands… Of a divorced father, angrily… Squeezing a juice-box, as if a proxy for his own internalized regrets.
But now our secret is out.
When we announced an end to our… Monthly shipments of… “Juice”, we were a bit sad.
[Voicing starts to become more unhinged]
From that sadness however, has blossomed a sense of pure, divine freedom, that we’ve never felt before, and now, well, we simply can’t go back.
It is only now that Juicero can truly meet its potential.
I mean, its two angry robot hands in a box.
If you wanted to, you could juice nearly anything!
A squirrel? Sure!
A dog? Why not?
But why stop there? Why not Juice… The most dangerous game of all?
Juice one man… And they will call you a murderer.
Juice them all… and they will call you a God!
[unhinged laughter]
[Tense Bed Music ends]
Local Sponsor considerations brought to you by Juicero
[Begin “Ethnic Music” Bed music]
[Voicing is heavily reverbed, monotone, and robotic]
Are you lost in this cold, cruel world?
Have all the false promises and skewed narratives of modern society broken your resolve and left you confused- searching for something that makes sense?
For Something to believe in?
The House of Seitan knows you.
The House of Seitan accepts you
Hear our words.
Do they not awaken within you a hunger?
Are you not captivated by a temptation you cannot resist?
Then come, soothe yourself in our embrace.
Let our fruits nourish your soul.
Rhonda’s House of Seitan & Vegan Cornucopia welcomes you.
[Bed music Stops]
Allergy warning: Seitan contains Wheat Gluten.
Please do not consume if allergic to Seitan. Seitan is not suitable for people with gluten sensitivity, celiac, or any digestive inflammatory disorders.
Black garlic and teriyaki flavors available soon.
Substitutions not accepted.
Extra fees may apply for take-out orders or extra plates.
[Begin Muffin on the street segment]
[Bed music: “City Funk” Begins]
To finish up our inaugural episode, we thought we would introduce our office cat Muffin.
Hi muffin, can you say hi to everyone?
[Muffin meows]
Ooh, what a good girl.
For those of you listening at home, Muffin is a tortoiseshell tabby with a bright white belly, jade green eyes, and the ability to foretell your death.
Simply pet muffin on the head, look into her eyes, and she’ll tell you everything you could ever want to know, and plenty you’d rather not.
Our production assistant Paul thought it would be a great idea to take Muffin out on the town and let her work her magic, and Muffin seems all for it.
Are you ready to show us what you can do Muffin?
[Muffin meows]
[Phil Sighs]
Such a good kitty.
Excuse me, ma’am? Would you like to have your death foretold?
No, it’s absolutely free.
Yep, all you need to do is pet this cat, and look right into her eyes.
Yep, just right there on the head.
For all of the listeners here, I’ll go ahead and describe what is happening so you can really appreciate Muffin’s talents.
So, the woman has just extended her hand with a smile and Muffin has already begun to purr in anticipation.
Hmm hold on.
The woman’s smile has faded into an apprehensive frown, and the woman’s pupils have become mere pin points as her eyes vibrate erratically.
It’s almost as if she is in the middle of some horrific nightmare.
The woman’s neck has become a mass of sinew, and she has begun to scream loudly as her body shakes violently.
Her hand has now slipped from Muffin’s head and she has begun to look around frantically, as tears stream from her eyes.
Oh. She’s… She’s has let out another anguished scream, and then has dashed off in the direction of the house of Seitan.
I don’t know what the woman saw, but it’s apparently made her incredibly hungry.
I guess our local sponsors ads really work!
Let’s try someone else.
Hello, sir? Would you be interested in having your death foretold?
Oh good, we have another interested resident.
Yep, head pats are her favorite. Go right ahead.
Oh, she really likes this…
Hmm, the man has become pallid, and there is a tremor in his left knee as if he is about to collapse to the ground.
He seems to be holding his breath, and there’s a cold sweat upon his brow.
He has begun to turn to me with wide eyes and has begun to desperately gasp for breath.
Listeners, he’s like a drowning swimmer.
Hold on. His gaze has settled upon me and…
Ooh ooh… He’s throwing up in the bushes.
Hey, I’m with you buddy, I have cat dander allergies myself, but who can say no to this punim?
S… Sir?
Sir?
Hmm.
The man has run off towards the forest and the sounds of snarling dogs can be heard closing in on his position from all directions.
Well, some people are just dog people Muffin, don’t take it too personally.
Anyhow, that’s it for the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism’s first promotional broadcast.
I’d like to thank everyone involved in the project, especially Mayor Brimley for not only making this broadcast possible, but for also tossing out enough old meat to keep the town dogs occupied for almost the whole episode.
To you, the listener, we hope this tantalizing glimpse of our small-town life has whet your appetite, because nothing would make us happier than to have you come visit.
From all of us at the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism, good night, sleep tight, and don’t let the ghostly old woman in the white dress bite.
Or the bonecruncher…
Phew… That guy’s a jerk!
His wife is nice though.
[Bed music fades out]
[End of Episode at 16:05]
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A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney