Original Airing Date: 2025.02.12
The Mayor of Evenfall Hollow outlines all the reasons why you should visit our sleepy, secluded, mountain town. Learn why we’re nearly indistinguishable from other tourist destinations like Texas and Florida, and why we’re certainly better than a Best Western.
Show Notes:
Episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting:
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Mayor Brimley: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction Jingle: “Good Morning” by Muzaproduction
Main Bed Music: “Sunny Bossa Nova Jazz” by Denis Pavlov
An Evenfall Promo episode Transcript
[Intro Jingle “Good Morning” plays]
[Phil Liota]:
Hello, and welcome to the first promotional clip for the Evenfall Hollow Board of Tourism’s upcoming show.
Mayor Brimley was kind enough to write us a letter to help us introduce the show, but then he also made us sit down and listen as he read it out loud, just to make sure we “understood where he was coming from”.
So instead of us reciting it aloud again in a boring, monotone voice, I’m gonna try my best to deliver to you it in the same way it was delivered to us.
Now, I think I’ve come up with a pretty dead-on impression of the Mayor, and Paul loved it earlier, but I do acknowledge that impressions are a new talent that I am still developing. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
My background is mostly in erotic mime, but it didn’t pan out as well career-wise as I had hoped. But hey, we learn and we grow. So, anyhow, I give you the letter from the mayor.
[Bed Music “Sunny Bossa Nova Jazz” begins]
[Mayor Brimley]:
For centuries, explorers and adventurers from around the globe have whispered about the legendary paradise of Shangri-La. An earthly paradise hidden within the Kunlun Mountains of Tibet, its secluded borders are said to conceal a valley rich in happiness and prosperity, while its residents, are said to be all but immortal.
Sounds like a nice place to put your feet up.
Now I get it. I sound like I’m trying to talk you into selling essential oils, but just bear with me. That’s all in the past. I mean, we all have skeletons in our closets, and mine might smell a bit more like lavender than yours, but I’m just trying to tell you about my town, so maybe stop prying so much into other people’s business.
Now what was I talking about? Immortality. You don’t want that. If you wanted something to last forever, you’d just go spend a night in a best western, not listen to me. And if you are listening to me from inside a best western, well then god help you.
But enough about all that – you probably want to know who I am. And since I notice you’re also too rude to introduce yourself, I guess I’ll go first and show you how it’s done.
Now take notes. I’m Mayor Brimley. Mayor of where? Well, hold on, I haven’t gotten to that part yet. You know what? You need to take a knee, have a salt tablet, and just hold your horses for a minute. Someone is speaking. Not me, mind you, but whoever is reading this letter for me.
I can’t just sit here and read a letter; I have things to do- I’m the mayor. I don’t have time to sit around all day watching episodes of Matlock, and learning Spanish from the Telemundo.
So why don’t you just park that keister, and let me talk about what I want to talk about. And by that, I mean listen to whoever we end up picking to be the host of this new show. Now let me figure out which one of these note cards I’m on, before you got me all flustered.
Gold bond foot powder.
[Bed Music stops abruptly]
Well that’s the wrong dang card. And don’t you judge me. My feet sweat a lot, and sometimes I get chaffed. But taking care of your feet is important, especially when you have Diabetes.
Now where was I before you distracted me?
[Bed Music starts again]
Well, I’m the mayor. The mayor of Evenfall Hollow. Where is that you might ask?
[Bed Music stops abruptly]
Well for one, you need to breathe for a second and let me speak. I can’t answer any questions if you don’t stop interrupting.
[Bed music starts again]
Now Evenfall Hollow is a small town secluded deep in the mountains.
Yeah, we’re a bit isolated, but it took Brad Pitt seven years to get where he was going, so in comparison we’re right around the corner. I mean, the trip here was so quick, I don’t even remember doing it. But however far away we are, it’s just far enough for it to be nice and quiet.
[Bed music stops abruptly]
Do you like quiet? Because you sure do make a lot of racket while I’m trying to explain. Pipe down for a minute. I ain’t gonna say it again.
So why should you come here?
[Bed music starts again]
Well, for one, we have all that stuff you coastal elites love. And by coastal elites, I mean everyone that lives everywhere but where we live, because apparently that’s what we do now. Words don’t have any meaning.
But we do have espresso, we have Vegan food, we have whatever skibidi is. Hell, we have two of ‘em – One is over by the Applebee’s.
My point is, that we have something for everyone really, no matter where you’re from. Now simmer down for two seconds and I’ll prove it to you.
Let’s see. I had a steak last night, I drank one of them fizzy Waterloo waters with it, and I can’t remember the last time our electrical infrastructure was maintained. It’s basically magic to me. So by my count, we’re nearly indistinguishable from Texas, except I can’t fly to Cancun when it’s storming.
Where else is popular for folks to visit these days?
Florida? Well, what do you have in Florida? Ron DeSantis and Disney? Well, there was that one time the Bonecruncher wore lifts in his boots while he was hungrily eatin’ a pudding cup with his finger – Oh boy, does that Bonecruncher love pudding.
And we also have an orphanage full of little girls who lost their parents. That’s practically the plot of Frozen! So I think we should get extra-credit.
Look. My point is, Evenfall Hollow is a wonderful little town. But you’re not gonna just believe me just based on my word, are you? So instead, we’re just gonna start a show that highlights just how great it is here.
Eventually, you’ll come around. Or you won’t. I’m not a brain surgeon, I can’t turn on the lights if nobody’s home.
Now without further ado, let me introduce the host of this here show. He’s a longtime acquaintance of mine, rents one of my apartments, and he’s a straight shooter that loves a great bowl of oats.
Now, everyone say hello to Jerome Hanson, and maybe try listening to what he says. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have mayor stuff to do. And also, I need to head over to the Chipotle before there’s a line.
[Bed Music ends]
[Show host Phil speaks]
So, yeah. That’s basically how it went. And just to clear up any confusion for the audience, I don’t know who Jerome Hanson is.
[Off Mic aside to Paul]
You’re not Jerome are you?
[On Mic]
Wait, no, you’re Paul. I remembered!
Well anyhow, I’m Phil and I’m here with my production assistant Jer-Paul, Paul. I caught it. And our office cat muffin, and we’re here, to show you a good time.
[Off Mic conversation aside from Paul]
Whats that?
[On Mic]
Oh. OH! I uh… I meant to say that we’re here to make a good show that lets you know how great our town is. Yep. That’s what were doing.
To be clear, you are not paying us for a good time. I just want to reiterate that.
[Nervous Soliloquy to self off mic]
This is the Macy’s incident all over again. C’mon Phil breathe…
[Long Exhale]
So, yeah. We’re here to tell you how great our town is, and eventually, you’re gonna give in. So whether you’re just here for a permanent visit, or coming to stay forever, just know, that we will:
NEVER.
PHYSICALLY.
PREVENT.
YOU.
FROM.
LEAVING.
Because that would be silly. No, it’s just that we don’t know where we came from, and we have no idea how to leave.
But don’t worry about all of that.
So, from all of us here in Evenfall Hollow, we hope you have a great night, and we also hope that you listen to our upcoming show in January.
[Bed Music begins]
What’s that Paul?
March? No, it says right… Oh yeah… The whole Plague thing… Okay, yeah, so uh see us on March 15th.
[Bed music continues as a bag crinkles in background]
[Off Mic]
Are we off the air?
[Relieved Exhale]
Ooh, c’mon Taffy… I’ve earned you today.
[Bed Music fades out]
Taffy Paul? Muffin? Taffy?
[Sounds of Phil eating while talking]
So how’d we do? Yeah? I thought so too. So who wants to go get some lunch?
I hear the Arby’s is decent?
[End of Episode time: 7:36]
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A Production of Windborne Press/Ruu McKinney