19: Vapires
Original Airing Date:2026.04.15
Local Businesses in the Hollow are shutting down in record numbers, only to be replaced by vape shops. Is this just the way of the world? Or a prelude to something more ominous?
Local Sponsor Support Provided by: The Holy Congregation of Juul
Show Notes
episode Script: Ruu McKinney
Voice Acting
Phil Liota: Ruu McKinney
Music:
Introduction:
“Laundromat Lofi Chill” by Muzaproduction
Happenings in the Hollow:
“Dynamic Flow” by Lulu_Sound_music
“Cinematic Cello Ostinato” by Gregory Quendel
Local Community Spotlight:
“Good Vibes in the Marketplace” by Novifi
“Dark Cinematic Horror Background” by leberch
Local Sponsor Message:
“Deep Vibes Synthwave beat” by AmsleyBeats
“Gregorian Chant Regina Caeli Prayer” by Nicholas Panek
Vapire Episode Transcript
[Introduction segment begins. “Laundromat Lofi Chill” Plays”]
Hello Listeners, and greetings from Evenfall Hollow. I’m your host Phil, and with me are my PA Paul, and our office cat Muffin.
And Marty.
Ugh. Always Marty.
[whispers]
I swear he is following my every move listeners, and it’s starting to creep me out. I’d say he’s also writing down everything I say, but I can only see 15 dry erase boards, so he’s probably not being that thorough.
But I gotta tell you… [Stammering]
What’s that Marty? No, no I’m talking about Mark Zuckerberg.
So anyways, how is everyone doing today?
Muffin your coat looks lustrous and you smell as fresh as a summer ham. You too Paul.
What about you Marty? Ugh fine. Let’s see. I do like the red hoodie, it’s definitely more on the office vibe than that sport coat, but with those pants and shoes… If I’m being honest, you’ve kind of got a unabomber vibe on the top and an olive garden thing on the bottom.
Oh great, now I want breadsticks.
Well anyways, let’s go ahead and get started on today’s happenings in the Hollow, before anyone else’s feelings are hurt.
[Happenings in the Hollow Segment begins. “Dynamic Flow” plays.]
Happening in the Hollow today, well… A lot is happening in the hollow today listeners.
Pastor Glanville and his congregation of Baptized and Lord Loving Souls are unhappy about the naming of our new local juicery. So angry in fact, that he’s here in the studio to tell us what’s on his mind.
No Paul, no need for a mic.
So what’s your boggle Pastor?
Uh huh.
Okay.
Well I mean that’s a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?
No, I don’t remember a section in the bible about Juicifer.
Ohhhhhh. Ooh. Lucifer. Does he have a troubling mustache too?
Wait Pastor, Pastor… No… Who…
Who is Stan? Well no, the name you’re pointing to just says Stan. Is it a typo? Or?
Pastor… Ugh. Can we just leave behind the names for a second, and you just tell me what it is about juice that offends you?
Well no I…
Uh huh…
Hmm…
I think I’ve lost control of the conversation Paul. I…
But… Yeah… I…
Pastor. Let me just…
Pastor!
Let me interrupt you for a second.
[Music Stops playing]
Hey Paul, for the bed music, I’m gonna need you to double down on the ostinato for this. We’ve gotta build up some momentum so we can power through the Pastor’s ranting. If we don’t do it now, it’ll be like a fart in an elevator and we’re never gonna escape it.
[“Cinematic Cello Ostinato” plays]
Yeah there we go.
Go ahead Pastor.
What’s wrong?
Okay…
[“Dynamic Flow” Plays]
Listeners, apparently I have offended the Pastor and he is now storming out of the studio.
I’ll bring you some grillo’s after work Pastor.
High five Paul.
[High five slap]
Phew. Okay let’s see, in other news, we’ve had a couple of new restaurants pop up in the hollow!
So for fans of Italian, you’ll feel right at home at Spaghetaboutit. Family style Italian food, with an owner that will randomly sing italian love songs in the dining room, and then verbally abuse his staff in the kitchen. I recommend the pink sauce and meat balls Paul.
Well, yeah he has severe anger management issues and a restraining order against him, but the shrimp fra diablo is fantastic.
Now if Italian isn’t your thing, might I recommend the new Sonoran Mexican restaurant La chancla? Opened by old hollow resident Esther Ochoa, a certified mexican Abuela…
It means grandma in spanish Paul.
Esther has spent all day in the kitchen, slaving over a hot stove, and if you don’t ask for seconds, well, I’ll leave that as a surprise.
Yeah it’s more fun that way.
Uh, let’s see. Nope, I think that’s about it for what’s happening in the Hollow today. So let’s go ahead and move on to our Local community Spotlight where we’re gonna dig in to what might just end up being the biggest conspiracy ever seen in our sleepy town.
No I’m not overselling it Paul. You’ll see.
[Local Community spotlight segment begins. “Good Vibes in the Marketplace” plays.]
So before I get into our local community spot light, I just want to take a moment to talk about a movie I saw the other day.
Calm down Marty, it’s related Marty.
So I was watching this old 80’s movie called “Near Dark.” I think it was supposed to be a horror movie. So basically, it was the cast of Aliens…
No, the good one Paul.
But instead of being space marines, they were all vampires in an RV. It was just such a quintessentially 80’s movie. I mean 30 seconds in and you could tell the exact year it was made. It was like the cinematographer from law and order directed a jordache commercial, and accidentally ended up making the pilot for Breaking Bad, but with vampires.
What’s that Paul? No, no, the 1980’s. What were you thinking of?
Well anyways, it was… It was fine I guess, but it really left me craving barbecue.
Yeah Paul, to the extent that I just started looking at pictures of barbecue on my phone and completely missed half of the movie.
No, I’m not really disappointed. I think it worked out better that way.
So my little tangent there is absolutely related, because I just noticed the other day that the Little Caesar’s over on main st. closed down, and then the next day it was a vape shop.
Yep. The Applebees is now a vape shop too, Paul. Well one of them anyways.
So hear me out for a moment. We have seen a lot of business closures lately. And no listeners, it’s not because of our amazing town.
No, I think the cause runs much deeper. You see, I have two theories: The first? vape shops are slowly consuming the Hollow like some sort of a zombie virus, but for buildings.
Well, I disagree Paul, I think it sounds extremely scientific. I mean I’m practically in the running now for head of the Health and Human Services . But I’m gonna go ahead and save my other theory for a more suspenseful delivery later in the episode.
It’s fine Paul. It’s called showmanship.
So, today, we’re going to investigate things, and find out if I’m right or not. You know, in regards to one of my two theories. Only one of which you know.
Oooooooooo. [Spooky]
Hey! Stop being so negative Paul, you’re absolutely wrecking the vibe here.
So we’re starting out here at the site of the former little Caesar’s.
What do you mean you don’t remember it being a little Caesar’s Paul? It’s smells like wild cherry vape and crazy bread.
Wait. That’s a vape flavor?
Seriously?
But why?
Wait, hold on.
Quick Paul, around the corner.
Now listeners, through the frontage glass, we are observing what appears to be the owner or manager of this vape shop. He has a flat brim hat, and a black cape with burgundy velour on the inside.
Which brings me to my second, and more likely theory: It’s vapires.
You see Paul? My whole thing about the movie was one hundred percent related.
And listeners, the man inside can only be their leader – their Count Vapula if you will. So we’re going to follow him, and try and uncover his dastardly plans.
[Sound of a Subaru STI with an exhaust starting up]
Quick Paul, he’s getting into his Subaru.
No I didn’t bring my car. I… Uhh… Ooh! A tandem bicycle, quick Paul get on.
[Sound of Subaru Accelerating away. Sounds of Bicycle chain]
So listeners, we are now following behind Count Vapula as he goes to his next location. It’s fine Paul. His Subaru is Hella flush, so he won’t be able to lose us.
Well no, key word USED to be a Rally car Paul. Now it has to crawl over cross walks because if they’ve had more than one coat of paint, he’s gonna scrape his oil pan. And besides, even if he does lose us, we’ll just follow the aroma of cotton candy.
It’s just a waiting game now Count Vapula. It’s only a matter of time.
I… Paul did you stop pedaling? I can’t be the only one doing the work, this is a team effort.
And stop following us Marty. Or at least turn off your RGB lighting!
So we are approaching a used car lot that is now a… Oh. No hold on. It’s both a used car lot, and a vape shop. Huh.
He’s stopping. Quick, let’s pull over by that tree and let’s see what happens.
[Bicycle chain winds down]
Listeners, we’re going to go to a local sponsor message while we get set up, and we’ll be right back.
[Local Sponsor Message segment begins. “Deep Vibes synthwave beat” plays.]
Hi, I’m James Monsees, founder of Juul, and I want to talk to you about some of our new products.
Now, in the past years, vaping has really taken off, hasn’t it? And it’s easy to understand why.
After all, if you’re a lifelong smoker, you’ve likely seen people recoil in disgust as you walk past them in a store, carrying that smoker’s miasma in your wake everywhere you go.
You are also likely fed up with car dealerships low balling your trade-ins, and you have no idea why everyone you know keeps asking you why everything in your house is yellow. It’s not Ye…. Oh wait. It really is all yellow. And it’s sticky! Gross! Oh god it’s even under your nails!
So anyways, yeah. Nobody smokes any more.
Wait hold on. A lot of people still do? Even after all the cancer warnings? And losing loved ones and parents to lung cancer? Even after paying like 12 bucks a pack? Wow. That’s a trip.
But we’re not here to talk about the past. We’re talking about the future.
So vapes are here to stay, and why not? I mean cigarettes only really come in what? Three flavors? Death, menthol-death, and apple-pie Death?
But you see, Juul pods come in all kinds of flavors. I mean there Cotton candy, Mango, Blue raspberry, Grape, rainbow sherbet, wild cherry. It’s a freedom of choice. And you are free to choose whatever flavor makes you feel like a kid again.
Now, gone are the days of smelling like a smoker. In fact, we were delighted by some of the comments we heard about our products. So what don’t we just take a moment, and listen to some of them?
Shawna H writes: “It smells like a circus themed strip club.” which tells us that everyone was having fun.
Hector P writes: “Your Subaru smells like your just drove Johnny Depp around town while he drunkenly ate a funnel cake.” Well Johnny Depp is a celebrity, so we take this to mean that Hector thinks you’re super classy.
Erin B. writes: “Did you buy Jelly bean schnapps from the Dollar Store again?” Which we interpret as her acknowledging your ability to find an excellent deal.
Renee S writes: “Will you stop? It’s like trying to watch the Beetle Juice musical while sitting next to Lauren Boebert” which tells us you have a bright future as a conservative politician.
I mean we’re only seeing positives here.
But then the government said kids aren’t supposed to vape. We know. And that’s why we can only sell menthol and “Regular” flavors now.
Yeah. Government rules and regulations are a real buzz kill. But it’s fine. We’re just one Mar-a-Lago dinner party plate fee away from removing that restriction, so just hang on.
But while you’re waiting…
We got to thinking. I mean, bottled water companies are making a killing selling you questionable tap water filled with microplastics right? So… And bear with me here, what if we started selling vapes just filled with distilled water?
You can make all your sick plumes and clouds, and we can’t be regulated by the FDA or the ATF anymore because it’s just water. And because you’re not drinking it, it doesn’t even need to meet national drinking water standards.
It’s, well, it’s the perfect business.
As an added bonus, the government can’t tell us we can’t sell water to children, can they? I mean they’d be called monsters! And then we could allow children to experience all the heavy metals from our unregulated heating coils full of cadmium, but with the fresh clean taste of water from the bathroom faucet of a motel 6.
Hold on. I just had another idea.
[“Gregorian Chant Regina Caeli Prayer” plays]
So if we get kids used to it really early in life, they’ll just grow up and continue doing it because it’s what they’ve always known. You know, like indoctrinating your children with religion before they can think for themselves. Which means we could also reclassify Juul as a religion, and then not pay any taxes.
Well I mean we’re a corporation, so we don’t do that now, but being called a religion gives us instant credibility and virtue. I believe the kids call it rizz now.
So the next time you’re at a vape shop, consider the holy congregation of Juul. It’s fun for all ages.
[Local community spotlight segment continues. Sounds of a crowded area run in the background.]
Listeners, we have an extremely large crowd gathering around the vape shop and if I’m being honest, I am getting the most unnerving sense of deja vu.
Uh, Paul do you have a snickers on you, just in case?
Well, no, no I don’t need it at the moment, but you having it does make me feel a bit safer. Thank you.
So a resident has just pulled up to the drive through window in a flat black Ford Mustang. He appears to be purchasing several items… And several more items… And uh… Oh and with a plume of grape vape, he has pulled away from the window and…
[Sound of a car revving and then doing a burn out, followed by car crash sounds and cheering]
Oh no listeners! In an attempt to show off for the crowds, the Mustang has lit up the tires leaving the parking lot, and with one smooth, effortless motion, has careened across the road and right into the front window of Spaghetabout it. Phew. They’re gonna need a remodel after that one.
It looks like the driver is alright as are the people gathered around the wreck and… Uh oh. The owner of Spaghetabout it has rushed out and now there is an argument breaking out, complete with wild gesticulating and pleas of “c’mon bro.”
But none of that listeners, is enough to distract the bulk of the crowd who all appear to be here for some sort of… Oh No.
Paul, I know what this is. It’s a vape contest!
[“Dark Cinematic Horror Background” begins to play]
Listeners, the crowd has begun to chant my name as they pull me rather forcefully to the front of the group.
Run Paul! Run Muffin! Save yourselves!
Listeners it’s too late. Paul cover your heart!
Listeners, I can only expect that I will soon be shackled and forced to drink the vape fluid of the Kali. And… From there I will surely fall into the black sleep of the kali-ma.
[War Drums begin to play in the background]
No I won’t do it…
[Choking, spitting]
I…
[Intense coughing]
[Disturbed laughing from Phil, followed by monotone entranced speech.]
The vapula protects us.
We are her children.
We pledge our devotion to her with an offering of flesh… And blood.
Wait… Wait.
[Drumming and Music stop suddenly]
Hold on.
Isn’t there supposed to be a cage? You know, we do the chanting, and then we lower the person down into the lava as a sacrifice to…
Oh. I just get a 10% off coupon?
[“Good Vibes in the Marketplace” plays]
So good news listeners. I have not been enslaved to the goddess Kali. But I am now joined by the manager of the store, Count Vapula himself.
Oh.
I’m sorry listeners, his name is actually Josh. And he wears the cape because he has a skin condition, and is sensitive to sunlight. Josh, I apologize for my insensitive comments.
So hey. What’s with all the vape shops?
Uh huh.
So people just like vapes and its a relatively easy and poorly regulated business to get into? And since people aren’t super great at business planning out here, then when their businesses fail it gives them something to fall back on?
I mean that makes sense.
Well what about these huge crowds of people. It’s like they’re completely under your thrall.
Ah. They’re just horribly addicted to nicotine.
So, just to double check one more time. You’re not trying to enslave the hollow and turn every store into a vape shop?
Well I guess that’s a load off my mind.
[Outro Segment begins.]
So listeners, we have concluded the mystery of the vapire and saved the town from certain doom.
High five Paul.
Well, no…
But is the town facing certain doom? No it is not.
Did we have a hand in figuring that out?
Mmhmm.
So mission accomplished. Anyhow listeners, this is Phil, Paul… Where’s Muffin?
Well it’s Phil, Paul, and Josh, and we wish you a good night from the wonderful town of Evenfall Hollow.
Now let’s get this tandem-bicycle back to where we got it, Paul.
Well I can’t do it by myself!
What do you mean you need to catch your breath?
Paul, you really need to stop vaping so much Paul. You’re going to get the popcorn lung.
Good night everyone.